i break horses

i'm moving

2008-07-04T10:46:00.002-04:00

http://parcells.tumblr.com/

you should go get an energy drink

2008-04-09T17:05:00.003-04:00

I know you've already had your coffee, but you like how it makes you feel like you're vibrating. You don't like the way it makes you feel like your teeth are rotting while you drink it, but so it goes. After you're done, eat some sushi, and invite 50 people to watch you shower, so that you can teach them about water conservation (bottom half one day, top the next!). Make sure one of them is willing to hold your loufa.

Animal welfare

2008-04-08T19:45:00.005-04:00

I've always wondered how they test whether a shelter animal is good with other animals and children. Do they just through a cat (or baby) into the pen and see if the dog tears it apart. Because that's how I'd do it. A five year old would have had to die to get Shep out on the market.

Longmont Humane Society

Date Night

2008-03-03T23:03:00.001-05:00

My idea of a perfect date night with myself is 1 bottle of Moet & Chandon, a Red Baron frozen pan pizza with Ranch dressing drizzled over it, and several episodes of the Gilmore Girls (preferably early seasons, before they both turned into bitches).

elitism

2008-02-12T16:34:00.000-05:00

Ryeman: Are you going to that free event?
Marcel Parcells: No
Ryeman: Why not? It's free.
Marcel Parcells: That's why. I don't go anywhere they let poor people in. Not exclusive enough.

the War on Babies

2008-02-06T23:32:00.000-05:00

So. . .

Obama and Clinton Brace For a Long-Distance Run

If Clinton had gone for the baby vote, like I told her to, this would be over by now. She could be resting on her laurels for a little while, having some cuddle time with Bill, and gearing up for the next race, against John McCain.

By the time a Democrat actually gets a nomination and then, maybe, to the Whitehouse, he or she is going to be too exhausted to lead effectively (ok, they're Democrats, so they probably wouldn't have led effectively as it is). There's going to be some George W. Bush style month long vacationing on the schedule for next January 21 to April 30, and then it will be time to run for reelection.

super duper

2008-02-05T22:32:00.000-05:00

Well, it's super Tuesday. Yay votes.
If you're a racist sexist member of the Democratic party, good luck. I suggest you vote for Hillary, since white women have the ability to make more white men. If you're not racist or sexist, vote for Obama, because he's got nice teeth, and that works when judging horses, right?

Right now, Huckabee's winning in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Missouri, Tennessee and West Virginia. Yup, he's definitely got the backwards nutjob vote locked up.

Obama's got Connecticut, now. That whole idea that he can only win in black states is out the window. So, the good news is that, when a whole state votes for a half-white man, he can still win with 50% of the vote. That's the math, right?

babies for hillary

2008-02-04T22:37:00.002-05:00

Hillary Clinton cried again today, which makes her a tired crybaby faker passionate feeling committed fragile crying crier. You know what constituency is really big on crying?

Infants.

Yes. Hillary now has the baby vote locked up. The elusive baby vote, millions strong, but as of yet uncommitted to a candidate. Until now they were torn between Obama's reassuring smile , Hillary's delicious mammaries, and Dennis Kucinich's tiny baby body. But now they have someone who they can relate to, someone who can communicate with. A crier.

If the babies can get their mommies to bring them to the polls, hold them up to the ballot box, check off the box for Hillary, change their diapers, and amend the constitution to allow babies to vote, I predict a big win for Hillary. If not, well, at least she's got the wussy vote. Wussies love crying, too.

p.s. It has also been noted (by Greg Wasserstrom at Cynics Party) that Hillary was showing poor judgment by wearing her yellow jacket today. Maybe she wasn't crying, maybe it hurts her eyes too.

Will Bill Shill for Hill? ps rhyming is dumb

2008-02-01T22:36:00.000-05:00

Jake Tapper is an ABC News Senior National Correspondent. Jake Tapper is also a blogger. Jake Tapper writes Political Punch, which is both a blog, and the imaginary name of a disgusting drink that i just imagined in my imagination.

Recently, Political Punch made the point that the "dream team" Clinton-Obama ticket that Hillary talks up is more of a fantasy team, because everybody wants to see them having sex, and becasue the chance of that happening are about the same as them sharing a ticket.

Of course, another option is to name Bill as her VP. The upside of this is that they already have experience campaigning together, and, when issues of national security dictate that Bill be in a separate, undisclosed location, he'll be just fine with that. The downside is mostly for Hillary, since I expect that Bill will find a way to have her impeached so he regain his office. That would be hot.

Obama, you're out

2008-01-29T22:37:00.000-05:00

Here's a quote from Bill Richardson, from the Washington Post election blog.

I had just been asked a question -- I don't remember which one -- and Obama was sitting right next to me. Then the moderator went across the room, I think to Chris Dodd, so I thought I was home free for a while. I wasn't going to listen to the next question. I was about to say something to Obama when the moderator turned to me and said, 'So, Gov. Richardson, what do you think of that?' But I wasn't paying any attention! I was about to say, 'Could you repeat the question? I wasn't listening.' But I wasn't about to say I wasn't listening. I looked at Obama. I was just horrified. And Obama whispered, 'Katrina. Katrina.' The question was on Katrina! So I said, 'On Katrina, my policy . . .' Obama could have just thrown me under the bus. So I said, 'Obama, that was good of you to do that.'

I don't vote for cheaters. Or cheater enablers. Obama, you're out. You cheater. You can join Bill Richardson and Bill Clinton and all the rest of the cheaters at the back of the line.

Skymall shopping: the tracking key

2008-01-28T01:00:00.000-05:00

When I'm flying, after my computer dies and before I've resorted to iPod listening and bleary eyed staring, I like to shop the complimentary Skymall magazine. I picked my favorite product:

Hi, it's the tracking key, a pocket sized, GPS powered spying device that records its every movement and asks the important questions:

Is my teenager speeding?
Where is my spouse going?
Where are my employees going?

And then maybe

Is my divorce lawyer fooling around during billable hours?
What do my kids do with my ex-wife?
Does their new dad take them to cooler places than I do?
Where is the best place to ambush them and kidnap my kids back?

Because if your family doesn't already hate you for your micromanaging big brother bullshit, I'm sure they will now. This stuff is only cool on the Wire.

Also, if you like the tracking key, the Skymall magazine suggests you buy some baroque style leaf prints. To assuage your crushing loneliness.

things to do: new orleans

2008-01-25T14:25:00.000-05:00

I’m flying to New Orleans for work. It will be my first time there. My complimentary Airplane Magazine tells me I should go to Mid City Lanes Rock and Bowl. Wow. “Rock and Bowl” sounds like “Kill me now please” when I say it in my head.

Things to do instead:.
1. Have a layover in Atlanta. Stop at the Popeye’s Fried Chicken and Biscuit Restaurant.
2. Walk around some.
3. Have dinner with people you have to be nice to for professional reasons, when what you really want to do is go from person to person, providing brief summaries. Example: “pompous and bossy”
Next
“Repetitive but charming”
Next
“Self-important”
pause, don’t go on yet
“also, you wast my time”
Next
“33 year old virgin” (really)
Next
“I like you, baldy”
Next
“Sycophant, and you still travel with your teddy bear from when you were a little girl. Really?”

4. Cringe at dinner when your co-worker asks for the Famous Chef’s autograph at dinner. Refrain from lecturing the table on how you find it undignified, fawning, and pathetic. Do the same the next night when a different person waits for the autograph of the very unfamous Jazz Drummer with a much more famous brother.
5. Treadmill.
6. Eat some kind of dried food that you can’t pronounce. Find some fried pickles after that.
7. Go home.

cloverfield

2008-01-21T15:29:00.000-05:00

Cloverfield is a movie about a giant sloth that eats Manhattan. The sloth also eats some upwardly mobile young people. According to IO9, Cloverfield is also a movie about 9/11. I agree.

primarily

2008-01-19T21:37:00.000-05:00

At this point, the South Carolina Republican primary is a close race between John McCain and Mike Huckabee. With the way this election is going, the Republicans just might choose someone who is old man crazy or religious crazy enough for Hillary to win it. Another boring dynasty in the White House. Yawn.

Oh. McCain won. So we're going with crazy old man over crazy gay hating religious nut. Fun!

All the good ones go.

2008-01-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

Megan (Anonymous Lobbyist) and Intern Greg were just let go from Wonkette. Which means a reduction in funny things for me to read on the internets. This may increase my productivity and decrease my happy.

orientated

2008-01-18T12:25:00.000-05:00

New job-
10:45 - three hours in
I’m starting a new job today, which is exciting, except that I’m going through an orientation session that makes me want to disembowel myself with my complimentary pen. Also, why do people ask questions at this sort of thing? Don’t they realize they’re just extending the time we have to sit here. I could give this orientation. I could compress this 7 hour waste into 10 minutes of fun. The worst part is, they haven’t even taught me how to get online, so I can’t distract myself with the internet. I wonder if anyone would notice if I put my giant headphones on and started watching the Wire.

10:50 Employee awards – if you’re a suckup douchebag, you can get a big old certificate saying so. I’m going to get drunk during lunch. Then I can make all sorts of poor decisions about medical and retirement benefits in the afternoon. Then when I throw myself off a bridge, I’ll have no health care coverage. Ooops.

10:55 Do you know what to do if there’s an emergency? That’s right. Call 911.
10:57 And if you get stuck in an elevator, push that big red button.
11:00 I'm taking a nap

Happy New Years

2008-01-06T02:04:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, it's a week late, but I've been busy enacting my New Year's resolution, which, for the second year running, is to be more awesome. I think I can make a go of it this time. So far, I have been quite awesome. I just need to keep it up for 359 more days. (Boo-Yea, Leap Year!)

Never forget!

2007-12-30T01:08:00.000-05:00

airport

2007-12-23T13:22:00.000-05:00

I am in an airport right now, which is the place where I feel most superior to the rest of humanity. I especially feel this way during holiday travel, when all of the people who don't really understand how to use an airport come out of the woodwork. I feel so superior, that I'd like to wear a t-shirt that just says "AWESOME" across the chest. Or, if I could borrow from a friend of mine, I'd have a t-shirt that says "ME" in giant letters on the front, with "you" in tiny letters right next to hit.

Some lady just walked by me, and she seemed extremely agitated that I could be using the plug I am using. I gave her a look that said, "You can keep walking your lazy ass down to the next outlet." I hope she understood my eyes.

i am fashion

2007-12-21T00:49:00.000-05:00

Hey, wait until you see my Spring line! I am ready for my genius now, and with it I will make fashion history. What I want is a suit, you know, tie, blazer, slacks, white shit. Except, all of it will be belly-shirted. Not West Virginia belly-shirted with raggedy cotton pieces dangling from my navel. No, my belly suit will be tailored to end right below the ribs. Shirt, vest, jacket will all be perfectly tailored to expose my hirsute belly. The pants will be full length - this is dinner attire we're talking about.

I call it "Desert Formal." And when I say I want this suit, i mean I already have it.

Jealous?

sadness

2007-12-12T18:37:00.001-05:00

Sometimes when I'm sad, i like to shake my fist at the sky. I pretend I'm a cop, and my partner has just been shot on his last day before retirement, getting married,having a baby, and inheriting a million dollars. A Columbian drug lord is responsible for my partner's death, and as I shake my fist at the sky, I yell his name, which is the same name as the thing that is making me sad.

christmas list

2007-12-09T02:36:00.000-05:00

This is the first I've ever wanted a doll for christmas. Usually, I'm too homophobic for that sort of thing (as much as I would have loved a My Buddy doll when I was a boy, people were already asking enough questions).

Ghostface is different

He says things, like "Remember when I longed dicked you and broke your ovary." And "Ghostface. Ghostface"

And he's 40% off. Now only $300. That's real gold, bitches.

camels

2007-12-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

I read some history today, which was new for me.

It was about the First Ride of the British Camel Regiment

First, Camel Regiment! I might even join the army if I could be in a camel regiment. That's some Lawrence of Arabia shit.

Second,

The decision to send Gordon cost the British Government dearly. A hero from his days fighting in the Taiping rebellion, "Chinese" Gordon, was a popular figure and a there was a huge outcry came from the British public to send an expedition to his aid. Soon, the British government gave in and tasked General Lord Wolseley to mount the expedition it had tried so hard to avoid.

Ok, I wish it were still acceptable to have nicknames like "Chinese".
I'd go for "Pakistani" Parcells. Because of my ideas for America East. Or "Irish Parcells" because of my love for potato products.

trivial

2007-11-29T22:06:00.000-05:00

This idea is a good one. Forget debates. They're boring. And they only encourage pandering.

Quiz show.

all the candidates lined up, answering questions. written by me.

Rudy Giuliani- "John leaves on a train from Bluetown at 8:21 A.M. His train heads toward Redville at 30 miles per hour. If Redville is 24 miles away, what time will he get to Redville?" [Answer: 9:11]

Mick Huckabee- "If a religious man loses half of his body weight, and no God is there to care about it, is it still worth shit?"

Duncan Hunter- "Why are you wasting our time?"

John McCain - "Which war is better, Iraq or Vietnam?"

Ron Paul- "If I asked you to go away, would you?"

Mitt Romney - "What is a Mormon, really?"

Tom Tancredo - "How many wetbacks does it take to screw over our country? How about a light bulb?"

Fred Thompson - "How can I be on Law & Order?"

teh worst country

2007-11-29T00:06:00.000-05:00

I know people pull out the Australia-as-a-country-of-convicts-that-were-sent-to -the-other-end-of-the-earth-for-a-reason thing far to often.

But. . .

Place is like Oz. Both the sex-happy prison show and the marsupial flying monkeys Pink Floyd drug movie.

teh best cat

2007-11-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

I had a cat once. He farted more than a cat should, and we thought he had diabetes. He was less than impressive.

My cat will only drink from a running faucet. Without me, Volcano would die of thirst.

As a boy, I was mystified by my cat. I wondered what he did off in the woods all day. One warm weekend, I followed him as he left the house, and we walked through the brush and the marsh all morning. It was difficult to stay close, and I got caught in the briars several times. My thrashing continually ruined MacBeth's hunting. So he scratched me in the face. Diabolical.

Once when I was housesitting for these people in the mountains, the owners' cat got eaten by a cougar. He got out-catted.

Anyway,

Guns! Iowa!

2007-11-26T19:31:00.001-05:00

Hey! Have you heard about the Presidential Primaries? They're like the Olympics of politics, because they're every four years. But, unlike the Olympics, where every country can participate, the Presidential Primaries only happen in two states (maybe four- who the fuck knows anymore?).

According to this article, Obama and his lady say that guns are more important for Iowans, not because of hunting, but because of crime! Yes. The mean streets of rural Iowa are aflame with cow rapists and corn poachers and butter burglars and other violent offenders and maybe arabs!

So, first, let's just do away with all of those arguments on whether or not guns accomplish anything for home defense or deterrence. This guy makes the point that there are places like Philadelphia where you might have to worry a little bit more about crime, but Obama and Lady Obama are more concerned about Iowa. Because they are more worried about crime in the rural midwest. Because they hate black people.

Or, because this is pandering, which is what Presidential candidates do to those lucky-every-four-years people in Iowa. It's like they're the prom committee and Obama wants to be Queen. He'll give them any reason to like his support of Iowan gun-havers.

Really, the only non-hunting excuse Iowans should have for gun-having is that if you live in Iowa, suicide should be an option.

Firing my rocket

2007-11-25T20:55:00.000-05:00

Yes! Hillary Clinton supports manned space travel. Because there is nothing more useless than manned space travel, and because I love useless, she's getting my vote.

I'm also supporting her because of her shrewdness in supporting an endeavor that few are firmly against, but that, since NASA's real mission is paying people to help them fire rockets into space, has strong industrial constituencies in almost every state. Go Hils!

I want a puppy!

2007-11-19T23:24:00.001-05:00

I can predict the New York Times

2007-11-18T18:50:00.000-05:00

America East is catching on. One day after I decided America East was the greatest idea since America I, the New York times did, too!

They said that "we need to think" about "military options" so that we can help "stabilize" Pakistan. I read that as taking the country over so we can build our Asian paradise. First we'll go get their nukes, and then we will let them have Bee Movie, and then we will wallow in pit full of Pakistani happiness and American Dreams.

America East

2007-11-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

I've been reading up on Pakistan, and I like what I see. First, this New York Times article says, "U.S. Secretly Aids Pakistan in Guarding Nuclear Arms" Great. That makes them partly ours, I guess.

A lot of people, including this guy and this guy and several others, seem to think we need a strong Pakistan. Me, I'm rooting for that shit to go down the tubes. That's the only way Pakistan will become available for American intervention. Unlike Iraq, they actually have WMDs that we'll have to safeguard when the country goes to shit. I want lawyers fighting Army mans and Bhutto fighting Musharraf, and Musharraf bodybuilding against any comers and Pashtuns fighting someone.

Then, we can intervene, like we like to do. And that, when linked to Afghanistan, when linked to our coming war in Iran, when linked to Iraq, will set the stage for the eventual foundation of America East.

When America East is born, it will have almost 300 million people (just like us!) and will be almost as big as India. We're always worried about the up and coming Asian powers and the stability of the region and not having jet lag for the Beijing Olympics, and America East will solve all of these programs. How much better will the outsourcing situation be when we can outsource to ourselves?

Also, oil and heroin and really good wool, all ours for the taking.
once the wars are all good and done:
Step 1: Get them to stop hating us.
Step 2: Send them KFC. (which would actually probably help with step 1)
Step 3: Elect U.S. President Junior, caliph of America East.
Step 4: Bask

sports skillz

2007-11-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

The "Comment"section of Nov. 19s New Yorker is about Musharraf blah blah Benazir Bhutto Army Pashtun yawn.

It also has this quote, from Musharraf's book, which is also a Clint Eastwood movie or some shit, In the Line of Fire

I was fourth in cross-country, was the top gymnast, and was third in the "Mr FC College" bodybuilding competition. . .Muhammad Iqbal Butt, who had competed creditably in the Mr. Universe competition, told me at the time that I had a most muscular physique.

1. Gay. These are all sports for gays.
2. This should be the modern triathlon. I want to see General Sports Pervez Prefontaine Lou Retton Schwarzenegger step out of his track shoes, pommel horse his way across the floor program trampoline ring toss, and finish it off with some squat thrusting. Beautiful. He will still have to wear the General's uniform.
3. President to President head to head? Bring it on!
4. Ego much?
5. Oh Noes!!! I am jealous of his skillz.

Viagra, blood pressure, and money

2007-11-13T18:24:00.000-05:00

I have to give a VERY IMPORTANT PRESENTATION in a couple of weeks, and hey, I'm a little nervous about it. Normally I can get up in front of people and ramble like a motherfucker without worry. My overweened sense of superiority lets me feel ok in front of almost any audience. But this talk has significant CONSEQUENCES, and I'm a little bit worried. Since I was going to be nervous anyway, I figured I might as well go for full on flopsweating, pantswetting, quavering terror. Also, money!

I've been asking my friends how much they would pay me to pop two Viagra right before the talk. I find the image of myself standing up in front of a Powerpoint screen with the most persistent erection of my life a little bit amusing (and a lot mortifying). I thought this would be a big draw, but apparently, my friends who will be in the audience were more uncomfortable with having to watch this display than I would be with doing it.
The only taker was EricIsDerek. But he wanted me to wear pants identical to the ones David Bowie wears in Labyrinth (bulgy!). Even if it wasn't already embarrassing, no. Never, The physical discomfort alone- it would be like wearing a tiny condom made of hate.

Get a puppy

2007-10-01T23:29:00.000-04:00

Check this guy out. He blogs about Christmas music all year round. I don't really know how to respond to that. I guess he must care about christmas as much as I care about alcohol taco porno sleeping boobs Ramadan myself myself myself.

Oh also, how can the rest of your year be so joyless that you spend all of it thinking about Santa Claus? Sad. . . get a puppy.

Anyway, I'm a busy boy these days. My ass hurts from all of this sitting and working.

Mimery

2007-09-24T21:26:00.001-04:00

This guy has no respect for Marcel. He says,

I’m sure that he was a nice guy and that his dog loved him, but mimes have forever secured second place right behind bagpipe players in the line to hell.

I actually have no problem with this statement, for almost all mimes and almost all bagpipers. I disagree for Marcel, though. He was not “a mime.” He was THE mime. This is why he’s the only mime anybody can name. While I do hate all other mimes, I think there should be an allowance for the guy at the top of the heap. I think it would be great if mimery were a sin, and the best mime in the world (who used to be Marcel Marceau, got some kind of papal exemption.

Furthermore, I’m sure there’s some bagpiper out there with some Dizzy Gillespie cheeks who deserves the same treatment.

Goodbye, other Marcel

2007-09-23T16:45:00.000-04:00

Marcel Marceau, the second most famous Marcel (after Proust) is dead.

In honor of his art, I will be miming the rest of this post.

farewell, Monsieur Marceau

I hate my friends

2007-09-22T20:26:00.000-04:00

Many of my friends are currently in China for a wedding. I am not. I have to work. This makes me jealous. This morning they called from China, at some unforgivably early hour. I didn't pick up, but on my machine, they said:

Lynne: Marcel . . .Marcel. . Fuck you for not picking up your goddamn phone!
Al: Fuck you!
Liz: [laughter]
Lynne: Fuck you, man! I don't care if it's 6:55 A.M. in the morning, we're calling you from China!
Al: China!
Lynne: China!
Liz: China. China!
[pause]
Lynne: Yeah. . .we're all soaking wet, but we had a good time.
Al: That's how we travel. . .wet.
Lynne: Yeah, we're soaking wet. Somebody pushed someone in the pool who pushed someone else in the pool.
Al: Who pushed who in the pool. . .who pushed who?
Lynne: Who pushed someone in the pool. I don't know! I wasn't involved.

Alright, I'm going to hang up and call you back again. . .Fuck you for not answering the phone.

They called back a minute later:

Lynne: Marcel, my feelings are so hurt, I can't believe you didn't answer the phone.
Al: My feelings are hurt, too.
Lynne: Man, we're calling you from China!
Liz: China!
Lynne: China!
Al: China!
Liz: China!
Lynne: China!
[pause]
Al: Fuck you!
Lynne: Fuck you!
Liz: Fuck you!
Why won't you answer the phone? What are you, sleeping? We're calling you from China!
Liz: Chiiiiinnnnnaaa!
Al: We're wet. We're not wasted.
Lynne: We're awesome.
Liz: We're wasted, not wet.
Lynne: And we're wasted. And awesome! And we're calling you from China.
Liz: Chinaaaaa!
Al: China!
Al: Fuck you!
Lynne: Why won't you answer the phone?

That's like, 8 Fuck Yous and 16 Chinas in two minutes. Also, "6:55 AM in the morning"?
I hate my friends.

heads

2007-09-19T16:09:00.000-04:00

This article is about an armless man who killed another guy in a fight. With a head butt.

1. Never have I wanted to be armless until today.
2. On the other side. What a humiliating way to get beat.
3. One unanswered question from the article: How does he drive "his truck"?
4. Ha ha. Georgia.

Blogito ergo sum. Also, fuck you.

2007-09-13T16:02:00.000-04:00

Quarterlife Trailer

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Ahhhh Quarterlife. This is a new show about:

a group of twentysomethings coming of age in the digital generation

you know, like WarGames.

Why do we blog? We blog to exist.

Descartes would shit himself over this revelation.

It moves you to destroy peoples' lives? That's what moves you?

More to see them destroyed. I don't really need to feel responsible for it. I just want to witness it. You know, schadenfreude and all that. That is why, if this show had better dialogue, I would watch it.

Terrorism

2007-09-11T12:43:00.000-04:00

I never really go into describing my experience on September 11, since these stories are usually banal or trite, and a lot of people had days that were much shittier than mine.

But, after that shitty day, I had my friend Charlie over for dinner. We only had a couple glasses of wine, but after dinner, Charlie was vomiting all over the place. There were stains on my rug and couch.

Charlie hadn't had much to drink, and the food was fine for everyone else. He blamed the terrorists for the vomit.

So, that's two scores I have to settle with you, Bin Laden.

Here is a picture of a taco

2007-09-08T13:08:00.001-04:00

It's from Lonely Sandwich, but it's originally from john-pittsburgh.

I think it looks delicious, except for that thumbnail, which needs a little trim. Hey guy, hire a hand model or metrosexualize yourself if you're going to go that close. But really, I'd let Taco Bell cater my low class faux-Mexican wedding after that food porn- that's right KFC, you're in the back seat now. (And that actually reminds me of a party I went to in Cambridge once. It was thrown by Air Force dentists and featured a table full of Taco Bell. The party was unmemorable, except that my friend, Murph, tried to grab a drink from one of the dentist's hands, and the dentist bit him.)

I also enjoyed lonely sandwich's caption, a response to Mark Dery's article, which I was just mentioning. Caption below:

Mark Dery at salon.com: please let me enjoy my meatproduct-in-a-tortilla-bag without deconstructing it. or, to put it Idiocratically: Fuck you, i'm eating.

a la recherche du tacos perdu

2007-09-06T19:00:00.000-04:00

An read a whole article about Tacos. It was called "Remembrance of Tacos Past"

1. Way to go with the Proust shout outs, buddy. Everyone loves a good highbrow reference applied to lowbrow culture. Maybe you can do a follow up on McDonald's called Fries and Punishment, or the Sound and the McFlurry.

2. Author Mark Dery explores Taco Bell's past appeal, continued existence, and the reasons for his personal nostalgia for the place. His in depth exploration of Taco Bell as a phenomenon appeals to me. I like that he asks why, in a country where Hispanic culture has grown so much, and better Mexican food has become readily available, billions of people per year still go to shitty old Taco Bell, but. . .

3. . . .I think the answer is simple. Forget complex cultural explanations, Americans have always been great customers for low nutrition, low quality, low cost products that throw large quantities of salt and fat (or sugar) at them. You can ridicule Taco Bell, Slim Jims, and Hostess Cupcakes, but someone out there is probably making a delicious, affordable meal out of all three right now (ok it's me. I've got frosting on my chin, slim jim grease on my lips, and a dollop of sour cream on my shirt right now.)

Combine that low cost, high fat/salt/sugar thing with omnipresent advertising, and you're going to make bucks. I don't think the advertising has to be good, if it's as ubiquitous as Taco Bell's is. I don't think anybody liked that Chihuahua after month one, but he had a memorable catchphrase and he was everywhere, so Taco Bell was in all of our heads.

So, I'm not an expert on fast food, culture, or advertising, but I think the explanations for these things can usually be tied to a couple basic values (like cost and familiarity), and the Proust shit can be left behind.

I do like the article, though. I especially like the term, "partial birth cuisine." Revolting!

Larry Craig, Larry Craig's wife

2007-09-05T14:00:00.000-04:00

Susie Bright has an interesting essay on the Suzanne Craig, wife of Larry, and the plight of the closeted man's wife. She briefly touches on the question of why people like Suzanne stick by people like Larry in the inevitable press conferences. One thing she mentions is the draw of "money and prestige" in keeping Mrs. Craig up there next to her husband. I think the other side of that coin, the willingness to deny anything because of the minuscule chance that it will avert disgrace, is just as strong. If I were, Suzanne Craig, and I were allowed to exit this whole thing quietly, I would do it in a second. However, that path is not open. It's either deny and hope for miracle, or accept the disgrace by standing up at that press conference, taking one step away from Larry and saying, "Yep. He's totes gay. Known for years. Whatareyougonndo? That wide stance bit sure was funny, though, eh?"

running

2007-09-03T21:46:00.000-04:00

I run a lot these days. I won't say too much about the actual running, because if there's one thing I hate more than fat people, it's amateur athletes who take themselves so seriously and think that their minor feats of prowess deserve lengthy emails or barside diatribes the lengths of which bragging have not been seen since the last time Lance Armstrong made someone write a book for him. They go on about how motherfucking low their heart rate is, and how once it only beat four times in a minute, about mileage and shoes and this marathon was great but this other race was twice as long, and thus greater. When these people are running, I want to throw a stick between their legs.

Anyway, my running has been good. It's escapism, like drinking, except it's totally socially acceptable. If I leave work for a while to go running, people nod and smile and approve of me taking two hours out of my workday. If I leave work to go drinking, they frown and shake their heads and whisper about intervention and how I "looked rough this morning." This is why I lie when I leave work to go drinking.

Besides that, everything is the same. After a while, I feel loose and happy and a little buzzed. Soon after that, my mouth is dry and my body aches and I just want to great a shit ton of greasy food and go back to bed.

So running. It's just like drinking, for when you can't be drinking.

Oh, and I've heard it's healthier.

you should. . .go to brunch

2007-09-02T14:20:00.000-04:00

Mary Lee is in town, visiting from Medical School. At brunch she and Tates are catching up.
Tates: C is taking it easy right now. She had a kidney stone.
Mary Lee (who now needs to weigh in on all matters medical): You know, Kidney stones are supposedly the worst pain a man can have. It's like an equivalent pain to childbirth.
Marcel Parcells: I passed a kidney stone five minutes ago, and you didn't even notice, so, you know. Whatever.
Mary Lee: That's what you're always doing when you're staring off into space looking bored. You're not bored. You're passing stones.
Marcell Parcells: It's both, really.

you should. . .listen to more Matchbox 20

2007-08-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

Ha ha. Not really.

Usually, I have nothing but scorn for Matchbox 20. I think Rob Thomas is a bland bland man in a bland bland band. But, I find myself compelled to keep listening to the song, "Mad Season." It's like Rob Thomas is singing what's in my soul, except my soul doesn't have any of the rock star paranoia that comes out in the video, just the melodramatic self-pity thing.

Also in the video, some great cop dancing at around 3:28.

Like praying on a rollercoaster

2007-08-29T14:51:00.001-04:00

Fluxx is a card game. Christian Fluxx is the Christian version of said card game. I played the original Fluxx once while I was waiting to have brunch in Oregon, it was nothing special, but worked ok for passing the time, and fit nicely in a purse or pocket. If describing it, I would call it "a pretty fun game."

So, Christian Fluxx. For those concerned with religious equality, Looney Labs, the makers of Fluxx, also make a Jewish version, with Shabbat, and Judaica Bonuses and other fun activities. I have not seen any other denominations represented, but all the atheist hippies out there would probably be pretty happy with EcoFluxx. My thing with Christian Fluxx is, isn't Christianity fun enough already? I mean, there are Easter egg hunts and kneeling and confessing your sins and overweened senses of self-worth and the righteous feeling that comes from decrying the acts of others and bingo and Catholic Boys Schools (my personal favorite) and the Popemobile and the Indiana Jones movies and eucharist and didn't Jim and Tammy Faye used to have a Christian-themed amusement park?

I'm just saying, I think the fun level in Christianity is high enough. Let's get a little serious about this stuff. Save the Fluxx for the Wiccans.

I do like how the "Christian Fluxx" sounds a little dirty, though.

Nitpicking

2007-08-28T06:46:00.000-04:00

I saw this mentioned on Wonkette, which provided this quote from the original article:

If they vote against gays, we know they're queer. If they're hopped up about "child porn," we can guess their internet habits. If they hold up monogamous marriage as a Christian ideal, we know they're adulterous, blasphemous fools.

While I am as alarmed as the next person at the epidemic of repression-based scandal in the GOP, I found the above statement to be a little too hyperbolic. Seems a bit categorical, is all.

So, I ask.

If they come out against gay marriage, we know they are gay married?

Lancer

2007-08-28T06:12:00.000-04:00

Lance Armstrong's Livestrong Presidential Forum on cancer has begun. He is the most qualified person to run this, since he is a famous person who has had cancer. When we have a Presidential forum on terrorism, we will have to get someone famous who has been terrorized. Perhaps Britney Spears's children will be available. Anyway.

1: Can't we just declare John Edwards the winner of cancer. I mean he actually has a detailed health care policy, and he has that embattled wife and all, so let's give him cancer.

2: There are two camps on Lance Armstrong. Camp One is, "inspiration blah blah blah cancer, bicycling and let's forget he's been a shit to his family, and poor Sheryl Crow." I am in Camp Two. While I am sorry he had cancer, I also think he probably got it from whatever steroids he was on. As far as I can tell, every professional cyclist is doping. We just don't have the technology or the time to catch them all. Also, I'm tired of seeing his aerodynamic face, because I'm malicious and resent all those who are successful.

So, my friend sent this to me, and I laughed.

you should. . .buy yourself a smoothie

2007-08-27T18:44:00.000-04:00

A few years back I had a job that I did not like. I didn't like the people. I didn't like the work. I didn't think it had any kind of positive societal outcome that would make me able to assuage my ennui with a feeling of accomplishment (though everyone else there seemed to think so). Even the bagel shop next door was worthless; it was more like they were serving dense, bland, raisin-ridden crackers. However, there was a smoothie shop next to the bagel shop. Every day, at around 11:30, I would saunter out of the office (I love the feeling of leaving your workplace to go outside, even if it's just for snack time), cross the road, bypass the bagel shop, and order myself a delicious pina colada-style smoothie. I would buy the largest size, and the 1300 calories of sugar would keep me entertained for the rest of the day. I felt like a fucking hummingbird.

It's been ungodly hot lately, and, while I've mostly switched to solid lunches, I had accomplished a good deal of work, exercise, flirting, and dehydration, all before 1 P.M. on a weekend. I decided to celebrate with a pineapple smoothie. Instead of an escapist snack, it would be lunchtime revelry.

They didn't have pineapple. I got pomegranate instead. Not worth it. I might as well have made myself a glass of Tang, or bought a YooHoo.

Supergirl

2007-08-26T13:41:00.000-04:00

I rushed to get dressed for happy hour. At one point, while I was sitting there, Sissy pointed out that one of the buttons on my shirt was undone.
Sissy: Oh, I love it when you give us a show!
Marcel Parcells: Well, I've got extraordinary areolas.
Charles: He's just trying to show off the giant Superman S tattood to his chest.
Marcel Parcells: Uhh, it's Supergirl. Can't you recognize a Sans-Serif font when you see it?

The old woman who ruined my day

2007-08-23T12:49:00.000-04:00

This morning I went take my car for emissions testing. As the car was going through the tests, I sat down with a book, trying to get the waiting process over with.
An old woman approached me. She was really quite old. My first guess would be that she was 78 years old.

Elderly Woman: What does [redacted] mean?
Marcel Parcells (looking down at the logo on my shirt) Oh. That's the name of the sports team I used to play for.

I tried to turn back to my book.

Elderly Woman: I won't wear shirts with words on them. I don't want people staring at my tits.
Marcel Parcells: . . .
Elderly Woman: ha ha ha
Marcel Parcells (with a weak chuckle): Uh, yeah. I guess I don't have that problem.

The worst part about the whole ordeal was that after she said this thing. I felt an incredibly strong urge to check out her tits. It took an enormous amount of concentration to not stare at her tits. Instead, I focused on the hairy wart growing out of her neck. After she walked away I actually did look. You could see her bra though her shirt, but her breasts were nothing special.

Travel Guide: Tennessee

2007-08-21T14:43:00.000-04:00

I felt bad for having fun at the expense of the South the other day. It was like that line about t-shirts as formal wear was beneath me. Perhaps not beneath Jeff Foxworthy, but beneath me. Then, I was driving across Tennessee, and I saw a billboard for a lawyer. It was one of those, “Need help? Call Jeff Sims!” type of deals. I did a double take, you know, because Jeff Sims was wearing a black t-shirt in his lawyering add. So, my little formal wear joke: Not funny. Not clever. But true.

Then I forgot about being nice as my obvious superiority to everyone around me became evident to myself. I drove a portion of the ride with my sister. As I came out of a rest area in Oklahoma, it was like,
Marcel Parcells: You know, we’re the most attractive people in this state.
Marcy Parcells: (laughs) It’s true. Actually, its been true since we entered Virginia. What made you say that right now?
Marcel Parcells: Oh, there was this old lady in the rest area. She only had one arm, and her nub was nasty.
Marcy Parcells: . . .

Ten minutes pass.

Marcy Parcells is watching a couple in an adjoining car. I can’t see what they’re doing, but she turns to me, “We’re also the coolest people in the state.”
Marcel Parcells: Yup.

Michael Cera is acting my life

2007-08-19T00:32:00.000-04:00

According to Variety,

Michael Cera has joined the cast of Youth in Revolt, for which the

Story revolves around the adventures of a teenager who meets the girl of his dreams while on a family vacation and turns his life upside down in order to be with her.

Just substitute "29 year old" for "teenager", "lonely" for "family", "wallet" for "life", and "bottle of Tennessee Bourbon of his dreams" for "girl of his dreams."

Oh, and "it" for "her," if we're going to be grammatically scrupulous.

travelogue

2007-08-18T23:44:00.000-04:00

I decided to drive across the country. While I am loving my wonderful new car, I am not loving my decision to drive through the South. I was prepared for the bad food, but was surprised that people in Tennessee were so poorly dressed. I feel like I'm dressed to the nines in my t-shirt sleeves and actual shoes. At one point I felt like I belonged. I was eating Twizzlers and applying deodorant while driving. When I saw a few turkey looking animals on the side of the road, I said, "Will you take a look at those fuckers?" To myself. Twizzler juice dripped on my shirt.

Really, I'm just displacing my loneliness with stereotypical east coast elitism. I find a reason to mock half the people on the road.

I'm in a shitty hotel and the mistakes I've made with every woman I've ever known are marching montage-style through my dreams. I tried to watch tv to fix it, but the Gilmore Girls are the cure for nothing. I do love their sassy repartee and unnecessary sub-pop culture references, though.

Anyway, in sum. Boston to D.C.: Good choice as always, bad traffic.
After that: Should have found a reason to go to Chicago. Then it's a day to Boulder, and there's actual scenery starting there.
Tomorrow, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and the Texas Panhandle.
Santa Fe will be nice though, right?

the important avenues for change

2007-08-15T13:54:00.000-04:00

Oooh look! Climate change!
Now that Judge Parker is on the case, we'll finally have some movement on the issue. Fuck Al Gore, and fuck Leonardo Dicaprio (except for his wonderful work in the Departed. And Growing Pains.

I would have thought this was an issue for Mark Trail, what with his love of nature and all that crap. But hey, as long as we can get Family circus to stay the hell away from it, we'll all survive the looming environmental catastrophe.

you should. . . look for a half marathon to run

2007-08-13T11:51:00.000-04:00

You need to boost your self-esteem. What better way than training for a half-marathon (you promise to work your way up to a real marathon), working hard to get your mile time under six minutes, and then injuring yourself two weeks before the race. Make sure to do it someplace shitty, so you can’t even enjoy the plane ticket you bought for the trip!

The upside will be that you will decide to call yourself "Sports" for the entire training period. For some reason going around as "Sports Parcells" keeps you entertained for months.

In the shit

2007-08-09T13:01:00.000-04:00

Here is a video of a baby buffalo being fought over between a pride of lions, a couple crocodiles, and its own herd. Must be nice to be desired.

Book Club! Special Topics in Calamity Physics

2007-08-01T00:43:00.000-04:00

I read a book! This book, entitled Special Topics in Calamity Physics, was about teenage drinking, private school, the Electra Complex, inappropriate relationships between teachers and students, between teachers and students’ parents, and between students’ parents and school administrators. Also, violent leftist radical failures [Yes, the last word is extraneous].

This book is extremely well-referenced! I identified strongly with the narrator, because she is slightly more intelligent (you can tell this because she attends an Ivy League school that is more prestigious than my Ivy League school), and slightly more socially adept (you can tell this because she wasn’t raised by Catholic priests) than I am.

I say, read this book. It has many astute references to other books I think you should read, and it’s funny at times. While it’s about as believable as Harry Potter, the writing is far more colorful, and there’s almost sex in it! Oooohhhh! Literary!!!

Re: Travel Guide Portland

2007-07-31T11:50:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Jamie has some fans. I myself am more into Still Not Jamie.

I can't believe Jamie is still cocktailing at Portland City Grill. Does this girl have nothing better in life than to suck men out of their dough? She uses her looks to enhance her tips. My gosh it's been 3 plus years since I've been to PCG and I knew exactly which cocktailer you were speaking off! And I did appreciate at the time her ability to flirt like I mattered but then I realized she's a tux wearing whore who insinuates she'd be more than happy to sleep with you...to be young and dumb again.

Oh, Jaime where art thou my sweet whorish waitress??? I find that I'm not the only one.

To Jaime, what are you going to be doing in 5 more years????

Travel Guide: Portland, OR

2007-07-30T21:03:00.000-04:00

Last week, I visited Portland, which is a city in the state of Oregon.

In Portland, a giant pink tower thrusts itself into the sky. I don’t know the name of the tower, but I consider it to be an architectural wonder. You know, because it’s pink, and doesn’t look at all gay. How do they do that? You can take an elevator up the pink tower, and then get off the elevator and go to a restaurant/ bar, with tuxedo clad greeters and look-alike waitresses and old men in thick glasses playing the piano. I drank martinis with a bunch of doctors. Twice, I thought this other waitress was Jamie, my waitress. The second time I did it, I asked her for “the bill, please, Jamie?” She said, “Still not Jamie!” And then she walked away. I didn’t like the service, so I took it out on the real Jamie, shorting her on the tip.

In Portland, you can sleep in a tent in your friends’ backyard. This is not necessarily advised, but if you’re in a house with sex as loud as the house I was in, you’re going to want to bring a sleeping bag. I mean, it wasn’t just the usual bed/floor creaking with an occasional moan. There were grunts, and swears, and then some slaps. I couldn’t figure out what was slapping what, so I slept in the tent.

In Portland, you can drink a lot lot lot of great coffee. Drink it until your head aches and you believe you may vomit and you’re vibrating so hard that you feel like a tuning fork that’s just been struck. Then drink more. It will be worth it when you return to Boston with its Dunkin’ Donuts monopoly and its Starbucks for backup.

In Portland, the microbreweries rule. I have heard this. Also, everyone seems to have arm tattoos.

In Portland, you can go to a great bookstore called Powell’s. It’s enormous and fun, if you’re still into print media. I picked up a lot of books, and then decided I didn’t want to pay for any of them, so I put them back in the wrong place.

In Portland, you will be driving late at night, and you may see a scary man in a Mexican wrestling mask, leaning out of his camper van and shouting incoherencies. If you’re like me, you will tell him he is ugly, and then hope you don’t get beat up.

Also, I recommend bicycling around town. It’s quite pleasant.

proud to be

2007-07-29T18:55:00.000-04:00

My friends all make fun of me because my parents bought a house in Canada. They call me an Eskimo, third-worlder, hockey fan, unappreciative of real bacon.

I am ok with this. I like being a bit Canadian. I am proud of my northern heritage. It makes me feel exotic, a little bit special. I drink Molson beer, to support my new homeland. I drink it conspicuously, so everyone will know I'm into imported beer. I root for a stronger Canadian dollar. I buy my maple syrup from Ontario instead of Vermont. I throw little tidbits of French into my vernacular. I brag about how I've even been to Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Alberta. I even pretend to like hockey.

I am an exotic fruit. But only a little exotic. Like an apple you've never tried before.

you should. . .tint your eyelashes

2007-07-27T11:46:00.000-04:00

I have always had one blond eyelash and one dark one. Most people don't notice, which is probably a result of the usual eye contact either being too distant, or performed in that too close, focusing on one eye at a time sort of way. I find the contrast jarring, like it makes my face look extremely asymmetrical, cockeyed. No one else has ever complained.

Lynne and Shoshana went to the neighborhood beauty salon, near Inman square, and invited me to go with them for an eyelash tinting. I decided that, despite my qualms about losing the last shreds of my masculinity (I am not metrosexual, pretty boy, glam, goth, or emo enough to have much experience with grooming beyond shaving, shampooing, and a little plucking), I came along, burgeoned by my two friends, held up like a shaky arch between two stout Doric columns. They continually assured me that I’d survive this exploration, this Heart of Darkness –style expedition into beauty territory, with my manhood intact.

It burned a little when it happened, like there was something on top of my eye that I definitely did not want inside my eye. And now I look like a dude with mascara on. My friend Jack said I look like a chick. Super.

you should . . . see the Sea Inside

2007-07-18T21:35:00.000-04:00

Last week I went to Cape Cod. I was swimming in the ocean and diving off rocks until I hit the rocky bottom with my face. It hurt and I bled a lot in the, "oh shit I know as soon as I resurface there is going to be red blood pouring off my eyebrow and into the water and it's going to look like fucking Jaws so I should start screaming like I got bit but my head hurts too much for that," sort of way. My friends have a baby, and I sat on the beach for a long time with one of its (clean) diaper pressed to my forehead. We debated the merits of stitches, but I didn't want to leave the beach, so I found a band aid and went off to play frisbee.

Today i watched the Sea Inside, because it is also about a guy who dives into the water and hits his head. He ends up paralyzed for life, wants to die in a "please just kill me already," sort of way for thirty years, then he finds a woman who loves him enough to do the deed. So. . .there's that. Basically, it left me feeling like sort of a whiny dick for spending the whole week worrying about the little scar on my forehead. Also, it depressed me that this quadriplegic guy was still able to get two women to fall in love with him, which is two more than I've got. But that's me. I'm kind of a dick.

Bring back the draft!

2007-07-16T19:18:00.000-04:00

Let's face it, the United States does not have enough troops to fight the Iraq war and the all the other wars we want to fight. Therefore, I think we should bring back the draft, since I am now too old to be drafted. As a male in his late twenties, I find most men between the ages of 18 and 26 annoying. Also, they are better looking, fitter, have less body hair, and have not had the rosy promise of their youthful dreams crushed like I have. If we draft all the young straight men in America, there should be more younger girls around for me to bother. Also, the people who are really worth hanging out with, like the rich, the entitled, the loudmouth radicals, the mentally handicapped, and the gays, will still all be around to entertain me. Fight on, young America!

Why I'm not hanging out with alcoholics anymore

2007-07-15T14:46:00.000-04:00

I am not hanging out with my alcoholic friends anymore. Why? Because they are boring and hungover every day. They complain about how much their head/stomach/eyes hurt all the time. And, they don't want to do anything fun.
So, I am no longer hanging out with my alcoholic friends. Except when I'm drinking. Or hungover.

you should. . .go see Transformers

2007-07-13T10:57:00.000-04:00

I mean, I wanted to see it so badly that I went and saw Harry Potter instead. I'm willing to buy teenage magicians living among us, but alien robots that look like Volkswagons? No.

priorities

2007-07-02T21:58:00.000-04:00

Neither Lynne nor I are talented at the waking up part of the day. Since we both have jobs that enable us to slink in late if need be, we often abuse this privilege. Sometimes one of us gets to feeling guilty about our sloth, and we make a pact to meet for coffee at 8 A.M. (I know, ungodly), We both feel that if the other is actually depending on us for company, it will be easier to get out of bed. Today, I did feel the guilt. I was in bed at 7:52 and everything hurt so badly, I just wanted to close my eyes and let my hair waft in the smooth breeze from my fan. Instead, I got up, threw some clothes on, and went to the 1369 coffee shop, where I chugged iced coffee with Lynne and gossiped desultorily about our recently broken-up friend Jabber.

Then I went home and went back to bed. Apparently, I value Lynne’s friendship more than my workplace responsibilities.

Barbers

2007-07-01T18:41:00.001-04:00

shaveeverywhere.com

uh. . .everywhere?

really. . .everywhere?

Shits-a-lot and Stinky Smurf

2007-06-30T17:26:00.000-04:00

My friend Lynne, who is working today, sends a collage-style picture of herself lying in an alleyway, with a dead fish on her face.
Marcel Parcells: Nice stick figure, and hair
Lynne: thx, note the serene smile
Marcel Parcells: yes, you seem to be at peace, finally
Lynne: (you might have to look under the trout)
Marcel Parcells: I think you should put some smell lines coming off the fish
Lynne: good idea, good team work
Lynne: I will get you a draft ASAP, drop all other work
Marcel Parcells: like Pepe Lepew
or Linus
"Stinky Smurf?"
Marcel Parcells: I think every cartoon should have had a smelly character. can you imagine if there had been a smelly Care Bear, it would have been called Shits-a-lot, and it would contribute a big smelly brown ray to the Care Bears’ rainbow.
Lynne: I think it would be poohs-a-lot
Marcel Parcells: Oh, yes, for the children. . .good thinking

Stop using this word: Snark

2007-06-29T21:33:00.000-04:00

I hate the word, Snark. Firstly, it is unappetizing. It sounds like snarf or snork or snort. None of these have positive connotations for me. For those who don’t know, Snorks were underwater Smurf knockoffs that lived in the ocean and breathed out of snorkel-like tubes attached to the tops of their heads and looked suspiciously like smurf hats. I do not want to be reminded of them when I am reading on the Internets about something that falls between insightfully cynical and patently abusive in tone (read:snarky). This leads me to the second part. There are many words that are far superior, far more specific, and far more sonorous than snark, like “twatwafflery”, “douchebaggery”, “sarcastic humor”, “asshattery” and “biliousness.” Fuck you, snark.

Cats Stop the Rock

2007-06-29T00:43:00.001-04:00

This is unbearably awesome. I mean, cats with little toy instruments.

My only question is,
"Cats, stop the rock"
or "Cats stop the rock"??

you should. . .sit down for a margarita

2007-06-25T21:07:00.000-04:00

Because it's summer, and because sitting outside with a friend makes it seem less like alcoholism.

Even if she's not really much of a friend. And you're just there for the alcohol.

Cheers! You'll need to be drunk when she makes fun of your body, and then says your fat roommate is far sexier than you are. Here's to friends!

bad joke day

2007-06-25T00:12:00.000-04:00

someone else:
I just can’t stand dating. I mean, so many times I finish one and I’m like, “You just wasted two hours of my life!”
Marcel Parcells: That’s what they always tell me at the end.
(APPLAUSE)

later, in the same conversation:
someone: I like to feel like I’m not wasting time. So, I make sure to do something I enjoy on a first date, like hiking. That way, at least you have a little fun.
Marcel Parcells: Yeah. I’ve tried that. But, the looking-at-porn date never seems to work out.
(APPLAUSE, STANDING OVATIONS, SOMEONE PRESENTS ME A MEDAL)

what I did this weekend

2007-06-24T23:55:00.000-04:00

Watched a Midsummer Night’s Dream outside
Sweated
Went up to New Hampshire, was sunburned
Skinnydipped with a girl who had rejected me twenty minutes prior
Drank Bourbon
Broke into a school, was scared off by a baby raccoon. It purred at me.
Bicycled in the hot dark
Broke into an abandoned house. Was scared off by a homeless person. He was sleeping.
Attempted break-in to a newly constructed house. Locked.
Watched Million Dollar baby. I tried to hide my tears from my room mate, Branson.

you should. . .take note of fried foods

2007-06-19T14:18:00.000-04:00

I just went to a wedding in Columbus, Ohio. Being the Eastern elitist that I am, I had kind of assumed that everyone would be superfat there, that I'd feel like an anorexic eel swimming in a see of blowfish. My hopes went up when the plane I took from Boston had these super wide seats. It was like the whole plane was first class seats, two to a row. And I thought to myself, "You know, this must be for the fatties."

A stewardess explained to me that we were on a charter plane that was usually used by a basketball team. I felt let down.

In the Midwestern airports and the Midwestern restaurants, I looked for fat people and fried food. I expected to be able to chronicle a bizarre medley of fried food unheard of in Boston, like fried pickles, fried cheese, fried sausage, and donuts that had been fried, then breaded, then fried again. I was let down again. I did see one enormous man with a grocery bag full of cheese curds, but they weren't even fried. Also, the people weren't nearly as fat as I wanted them to be. How am I supposed to feel superior to the people in the Midwest if they won't show up with glaring shortcomings?

Bobbing for Brahmins

2007-06-13T10:39:00.000-04:00

I'm going to an Indian wedding this weekend. My co-worker, Miranda, is an Indian, and kindly gave me some Indian-style pick-up lines to use. See them below, with my modifications.

Yes, I am from Boston. Have you heard of the Boston Brahmins? My family’s like that. We’re a little like the Kennedys, without the alcoholism.

Every night I pray to Vishnu that Kashmir will one day belong to India again.

So, does that brown skin go all the way up?

This paneer is really good, but I prefer using whole milk when I make my own. So, do you want to fuck?

Ramalamadingdong. . .is that Indian for something?

Did I not introduce myself? I’m Dr. Parcells.

you should. . .buy Boxer, the new album by the National.

2007-06-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

the National is a good band. The National is on tour, and I am missing all of their shows. The National writes sad songs with ambiguous, clever lyrics. The National is two pairs of brothers and a singer. The National’s lead singer has a nice baritone voice. The National’s songs are occasionally bleak, which is good for me.

The first National song I heard was All the Wine. I try to put any irony aside, and relish envisioning myself as a “perfect piece of ass.” I also like to have a big wet bottle in my fist. You know, I listen to it and I think I am a festival. I am a parade. Then I go get drunk, and the next morning I’m out of love with myself and whoever else was involved, and repentant. But still, good song. “All the Wine” is not on Boxer, but it is an excellent album nonetheless.

for consumption

2007-06-09T23:34:00.000-04:00

George Saunders has a wonderful short story in May 28th's New Yorker. It's called "Puppy", and it's about mothers, children, pets, and the way we make decisions about these things. Bleak. Beautiful.

p.s. He also had a great story, called "the 400-pound CEO" read on a 1997 This American Life.
It's about a sad sack fatty who massacres raccoons for a living.

Internet Safety

2007-06-09T23:02:00.000-04:00

The U.S. Senate has decreed that June is Internet Safety Month. I had no idea, but apparently internet bullies are a big fucking deal. Apparently, they call them “cyber-bullies.” I imagine cyber-bullies to be like the bad guys in Tron, riding those cool bikes that put up a wall behind them. Basically, the existence of internet bullies doesn’t really jive with my understanding, which is that all the people who use the internet are bespectacled wonk nerd geek assface shut-ins, and thus, the opposite of bullies. But apparently, America’s bullying community is now “online” as well, stealing people’s Paypal money, rubbing peoples faces into their keyboards, and administering Indian Sunburn/ Carpal Tunnel with brutal glee. Also check out this company Bsafe, which is using our enhanced awareness of internet safety to hawk their product. As far as I can tell, internet filters haven’t made us any safer in the past. I’m guessing this will continue to be the case in the future. But, hurray for awareness! I just hope the Senate gave this issue the debate time it needs.

you should. . . take the George Washington Memorial Parkway

2007-06-06T22:20:00.000-04:00

At two on a Monday morning, the Parkway is desolate. Since no lamps show you the tree-lined roadway, speed will be scary. But it’s late, and you’re tired, and the fact that all you can see is trees makes you feel as if you’re in the wilderness. You play Rod Stewart to ameliorate the loneliness. Use both lanes. Really, the white lines are only important if other cars are on the road. When you pass Geogetown, you’ll remember you are not, in fact, in the wilderness. Get back in your lane, and try not to swerve as you try to glimpse the smart-looking buildings through the flicker-shutter of trees. The buildings look so bright.

You’re thinking about camping when the cop begins to follow you. You’re thinking about how, if these were real woods, and you had a tent, you would pull over your rented minivan and set up a cozy little campsite. The sirens remind you that you’re in D.C., and as the policeman reminds you that 20 miles over the speed limit is reckless driving in Virginia, try to look him in the eye. The Washington Monument is sticking out of the top of his head like a unicorn horn, and you find it quite distracting.

things I have learned from Judd Apatow

2007-06-03T18:29:00.000-04:00

I like Judd Apatow's work. I have learned from him.
Here is what I have learned from The 40 Year Old Virgin:
1. It's never too late to have sex with Catherine Keener.
2. As pathetic as I become, I may still get to have sex with Catherine Keener.
3. Electronics salesmen get way more ass than I do.
4. Sex is a beautiful thing when done with the person you love. Otherwise, it is scary.
5. I cry at tender moments.
6. Romany Malco, Seth Rogan, and Paul Rudd all have hairy chests. And are wonderful dancers.

Here is what I have learned from Knocked Up:
1. Even if become a fat unemployed drunkard, I may still get to have sex with Katherine Heigl.
2. Munich is a cool movie because of its badass Jews.
3. Unemployed stoners get way more ass than I do.
4. Unprotected drunken sex is a beautiful thing when it leads to babies, love.
5. I still cry at tender moments.
6. Drugs are cool for single guys, and for committed guys only when it leads to self-revelation.

you should. . .see the doctor

2007-06-02T20:01:00.000-04:00

You should see the doctor for some pills. I guess you’ll have to go to the psychiatrist, but let's face it, you don’t want to pull any Tony Soprano shit, where you’re talking too much about your crimes and your family. You just want some sleeping pills, so that when you drink too much and are afraid you’ll wake up at three in the morning with drymouth drunksomnia, you can take a sleeping pill to get you the rest you deserve. So, make up some work-related stress, because you don’t want to talk about your family (those peoples are embarrassingly fucked-up!), even though this is a “safe space”. Claim you drink very little alcohol, and even less caffeine, and nobody you’ve ever met has a history of mental illness (which is for poor people and rich people, not the middle classes). The doctor will prescribe you some sleeping pills, and tell you to come back to learn some “relaxation techniques”. Take the pills. Don’t come back. Mission accomplished. The pill bottle will say not to consume them with alcohol, but that’s what they all say, right? They can’t all mean it.

Memorial Day

2007-05-28T12:45:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts:
1. My city is awash in parachutists fighter jets, and military regalia. This makes me glad we authorized all of that extra money for Iraq. No one wants to watch a shitty parade.

2.Up to half of the American-trained Iraqi security forces might be insurgents. Sweet. Plus,

We help them in the day. They turn around at night and try to kill us.

You know, like Dracula. Spooky.
.

Pump. Up. The. . .

2007-05-26T19:22:00.000-04:00

The Recording Industry Association of America is going to be in congressional hearings again soon. This time they are trying to get local radio station to pay them royalties. As usual, this comes off as pretty selfish on the part of the record labels, and one can see several reasons for their arguments being faulty. Have these guys ever been behind something that the average citizen stops and thinks, "Well, that sounds fair. The record companies deserve that."? I'm just waiting for the eventual collapse of the recording industry. I cant wait until all of music is disseminated by Myspace and street musicians.

If we ever needed Christian Slater to remind us about the virtue of free airwaves, that time is now.

Terror Time!

2007-05-25T21:39:00.000-04:00

Are we safe from animal lovers? No. Just look at the way they're always keeping pit bulls alive, defending the rights of mountain lions, and not letting me eat the Filet-O-Fish sandwiches I need to survive.
Are animal lovers terrorists? No. They are not to be feared. I am not afraid of their weak vegan arms, their pleather shitkicking boots, or their "let's save the shit out of every living thing" attitude.
So, yes, Caroline Paul (ha ha, two differently gendered first names) is correct in defending her(?) arsonist brother from charges of terrorism. However, this is not so much news, or an opinion I need to hear. Our government has consistently overreacted to everything (except of course, that initial terrorist threat and the guy behind it) since sometime in the fall of 2001. Remember freedom fries? Remember "if you're not with us, you're with the terrorists"? OH! Remember WMDs and the many linkages between Al Qaeda and Saddam. I say it's time to get over this whole, "the Bush Administration said this, which is kind fo an exaggeration," and deal with the real problems, like what TV are we going to watch this summer, which presidential candidate does the second-best job of talking to black people, and how am I going to get in her pants?

Office mindgames, part III

2007-05-23T20:14:00.000-04:00

This one’s a little juvenile, but if you have any coworkers who have paranoid tendencies I recommend it.

Miranda is paranoid. When she’s interested in a boy, she won’t webstalk him, for fear that he’ll somehow be alerted to her looking at his myspace page. When she sees coworkers in her neighborhood, she tries to avoid being seen because she doesn’t want them to know where she lives. Once, she accused me of hanging out in the Ford Dealership near her apartment, spying (and I let her think that for a little while). Once after a discussion on who Angela Lansbury was, I sent her a text message that just said, “Murder, She Wrote!” She became convinced that she was now on a terrorist watch list, and would never get a job with the government.

Today I sneak onto Miranda’s computer when she’s out at lunch. I use her email account to send her an email to herself, from herself. I did not look at any messages, as this would have gone beyond my bounds of propriety. I just hit “compose” and wrote,

“Dear Miranda,
Hi! I just wanted to tell you that I think we look really nice today. It’s too bad the Bachelor (from the current Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman) can’t see us today! Plus, we feel so cozy in our pink sweater, don’t we?
See you later,
Miranda”

I look over at her desk at some point, and she looks like she’s about to lose her shit. I say,
“What’s up?”
She’s wide eyed, looks a little nervous. And says, “Did you send me an email?”
Me: No, why did you get an email from me?
Miranda: No. But just tell me, did you do this.?

She gets a Tums out of her desk, and I’m really worried she’s going to freak out. She thinks some stalker has hacked into her email. I eventually have to tell her, and I get hit and verbally abused all day as a result. Paranoiacs don’t take jokes well.

you should. . .do a power hour

2007-05-16T20:36:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Branson and I are feeling old, and desperately clinging to the last vestiges of irresponsible youth. We originally went to the saloon promising to share one pitcher of Pabst. As we finished it, I said, “We should have another one,” which is what one o fus always says on weeknights, and Branson said, “We should do a power hour.” Or at least, that’s what I think I heard him say. The waitress had already been summoned, but I sent her away, as I was inspired by the poor judgment Branson displayed.
I got up from the table, and led us to the liquor store, where we picked up the malt liquor we would need for our hour of beer shots. At home, we commenced.
We actually only drank 54 shots of beer in that hour. At around minute forty, I experienced an inexplicable sneezing fit that incapacitated me for several minutes as I spit phlegm, and dribbled snot into a nearby recycling bin. We both felt awful after our hour. We went to sleep, and I woke up for work six hours later.
At one point during the hour, Branson and I talked about one of our favorite old Saturday night live skits, a commercial for “Bad Idea Jeans” which features several small white men talking about their bad ideas (example: “Normally, I use protection, but I figured, 'When am I going to make it back to Haiti?'" and “Now that I have kids I feel a lot better having a gun in the house") before taking on a basketball team full of large, proficient-looking black men. Jimmy and I decided that we should market “Worst Idea Ever Jeans”. In the morning, I just wanted a pair of “Full-on crippling regret Jeans.” Instead I wore khakis.

George Bailey

2007-05-15T20:59:00.000-04:00

And now I'm stuck in this shameful spiral of investigating the presidential candidates no one has ever heard of.
Dr. George Bailey

“First, I am an American. Second, I am a practicing Christian. Third, I am a veteran. Fourth, I am a Cushite, Ebony, Negro, Black, and African American, who proudly embraces my ancestral heritage. Fifth, I am a former independent Democrat, and presently, I am an independent Republican. And sixth, I am my own man, free from any commitments to special interest groups who are paralyzed morally, and who hinder social-economic equity to all Americans in thought, word, and deeds.”

Currently, his blog is written in Latin. Hopefully they'll switch to a language people still speak before the primaries.

Jesus Noah Awesome

2007-05-14T22:54:00.000-04:00

Michael Jesus Archangel has a history of self-acknowledged history of depression and paranoia, according to Politics1.com. You would think this would make him question his current belief that he is God. But, our current president also believes that God talks to him, and people seem to like him, so who am I to judge?

And one. . .

2007-05-09T21:43:00.000-04:00

Another Also-ran from Radar: Michael Jesus Archangel

Pros: 1. In addition to campaigning, Mr. Archangel runs a private investigative agency, a cosmic bank, and a modeling agency. He may be a multitasker of Clinton’s caliber.

2. Has Jesus in his name. People love Jesus, right?

3. Has already prophesied his own victory. We might as well get on the winning team now.
Cons: 1. Has a problem with the “homosexual Satan.” This creates worry that he may be getting a lot of his policy knowledge from South Park.

2. Wears too much jewelry for a dude.

3. Attempted murder charges have been brought against him in the past. Such a firebrand might react negatively to world leaders such as Hugo Chavez.

Could be a contender. . .

2007-05-08T21:59:00.000-04:00

Radar has this series called Meet the Also-Rans Which features presidential candidates such as Jonathon the Impaler and "White People's Candidate" John Taylor Bowles. Pros and cons of each candidate below:

Jonathon the Impaler
PRO: 1. Will command a regiment of vampires. This can only increase national security.
2. Wants to personally impale both Mike Tyson and O.J. Simpson. While perhaps more useful if done in the early 1990s, I don't think there are many people who wouldn't get behind this policy.
3. Is an impaler. Badass.

CON: 1. Is an ordained satanic priest, and thus creates separation of church/state issues.
2. May only be an effective leader at night.
3. Is Jonathon the impaler. Not quite so badass. I recommend a name change to Vlad, or even Tryone.

John Taylor Bowles
PRO: 1. Plan to lower taxes by cutting off aid to Israel. Everyone loves a tax cut.
2. Plans to end the unpopular Iraq war for the purpose of putting all troops on our southern border.
3. Is white, and thus electable.

CON: 1. Bad fashion, especially the swastikas.
2. Will probably not get the approval of the Hebrew Cabal that actually controls our country.
3. With a small grammatical change, is just a white people candidate, and thus not much different from most of the rest of the pack.

recreation time

2007-05-07T19:51:00.000-04:00

Ex-president William Jefferson Clinton helped to write this New York Times crossword puzzle. Is there anything he can't do? Wonkette provides some a great screen capture and some good comments on the puzzle. I'm just wondering if we can make this some sort of presidential tradition. I would love to see George Bush's take on wordplay. If we could at least get him to develop an acrostic, connect-the-dots, color-by-number, or magic eye picture, I would be a pretty happy guy.

poor people

2007-05-06T19:40:00.000-04:00

[After I show Miranda my desk drawer full of box wine.]
Miranda: We could drink some right now.
Marcel Parcells: No, not yet.
Miranda: C’mon. I’ll go downstairs and get some solo cups.
Marcel: No. I don’t drink out of plastic cups.
Miranda: What do you mean? Why not?
Marcel: Plastic cups are for poor people.
Miranda: (laughing) Ha. You hate poor people!

For similar reasons, I also refuse to sit on the floor, ride the bus, kill my own food, or eat at KFC.

you should. . .eat a spoonful of peanut butter every now and then.

2007-05-03T23:08:00.000-04:00

Because it’s a good source of protein when you’re in a rush. I like creamy, but you do what you want.

Inappropriate attire

2007-05-01T22:05:00.000-04:00

I was feeling pretty great today. I’m single these days, my hair looked nice, and I felt like I had picked out a nice little outfit for myself. So, since it was a fairly pleasant day, I found myself strolling around town, not really rushing anywhere, just looking at people enjoying their days, enjoying the sunshine, you know, doing whatever content people are supposed to do.
Because of this confidence I was feeling, I found myself looking at more women than I usually do. It’s springtime, and that always brings out the radiance in people’s skin. Plus, you get to see more skirts ad exposed arms, and sunglasses can really fool you into thinking a girl might have a pretty face. So, I’m walking around, and I’ not hitting on girls or anything, just glancing and occasionally making eye contact and thinking about how hot they must think I am. I see this one pretty girl. I think I’ve seen her around, so I give her an extra smile, and she looks at me and smile back, and then looks down.
I read somewhere on the internet that when a women who you’ve made eye contact with looks down directly after, it’s a positive sign, because it signals submission, unlike when they look to the side, which basically means they are just trying to find something better to be staring at. I’ve never known whether to believe this, but when she looked back up and smiled I was feeling pretty good about myself. I looked down to figure out my next step. After smiling and eye contact, the next step involves speaking, which is much more of a commitment. I’m looking down, formulating a simple introduction, and I notice I’m wearing two different shoes. This is not like, too similar shoes. My right foot is looking smart in a nice brown dress shoe, while lefty is ready for a jog in its gleaming white sneaker.

Motherfucking unacceptable.

Office Mindgames, Part II

2007-04-29T19:40:00.000-04:00

This one’s like “pros and cons” , but more people can play. On your whiteboard, or piece of paper, or computer screen, you need to start a list. I like to keep the title simple. I write something like “Who is better?” on the top. Then, make a column for each person who you wish to include. After this, the process is simple. Make inexplicable tallies of how many points watch contestant has. While not telling them what most points are for, you can keep them interested by occasionally giving them a point for good behavior (like, they get you lunch). You can also take one away if they do something like make fun of your clothes, criticize the game for being cruel and manipulative, or not getting you lunch. Try to maintain a balance between keeping them intrigued and letting them ever win. Keep the points close, and, once your bored, let the person you would most like to sleep with win.

Main Stream Mediocre

2007-04-28T20:24:00.000-04:00

Like at least half the people covered by the media, Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is disgruntled with the media. This Huffington Post piece details Schilling's comments on how,

working in the media is a pretty nice gig.

Yes, and, especially once the compensation level is taken into account, baseball playing is thankless drudgery.

you should. . .buy some box wine for the office

2007-04-27T15:45:00.000-04:00

First, let’s be clear. This is only for after hours consumption. When you are at the office on your own time, you can feel free to have a few glasses of cheap wine. Box wine is the best choice, because that box wine stays good forever, comes in handy 5 liter portions, and matches well with depression. So, after five, you may take out your box of wine and poor yourself a glass, but not before. Unless you’re feeling frustrated with work, or are already drunk, or hungover. Then feel free to drink, surreptiously. Make sure your lips don’t get stained.

But, after hours, that's when you can really focus on it. You are a hard worker. You are a go-getter. You are intoxicated with your virtue.

office mindgames, part 1

2007-04-25T23:03:00.000-04:00

This one's called, "Pros/Cons." It's nice to play on a dry erase board, since I like the boldness of black-markered lettering, but you could also play with a white piece of paper tacked to a wall. Anyway, pick a co-worker. After writing their name on the top of the list, make a "pros" column and a "cons" column. Fill the columns with real or made-up aspects of the person in question that either inspire or annoy you. Now, here is the important part. Make sure all of the entries are in some sort of indecipherable code. I like to mix it up a little bit. Sometimes, I use pictographs, numbers without labels (women will always think this is about their weight, which is funny, right?), abbreviations, and other obscure mnemonic devices.

At this point, your co-worker will begin to feel scrutinized, criticized, and befuddled. They will get angry, you will point out that you have their pros up there, too.

Occasionally, during conversation, react to something the co-worker says by either nodding, smiling, and adding a pro, or frowning as you shake your head and put a con up there. Meanings, of course, should still be ambiguous.

Begin to do this completely unprovoked, like when you and the co-worker are sitting at your desks silently.

At some point. You should try completely erasing the pros from the list. Leave a question mark on that side. At this point, you have won the game.