Wars I am Currently Waging

I was thinking about war. Like our government’s War on Terrorism, and War on Drugs, I am also waging several ideological, impossible-to-win wars. Just a couple of them are:

The War on Flatulence: My own, I mean. I lose this one daily.

The War on Sleep: Sleep speaks to me, and he sounds like Satan. I’m not talking about the wheedling, sly Satan who whispers slick lies to get you to sign away your soul. No, Sleep/Satan sounds to me like a pro-wrestling manimal, he growls at me nightly to “Succumb to his sweet embrace” and in the morning he reminds me that I can never escape. So, I hit the snooze button. Because I’m afraid. Anyway, the result is, I sleep too much.

The War on My Hair: This one is occurring on several fronts. Recently, we’ve had the Battle of the Partline, the Battle of Hair that Sticks Up and Won’t Go Down Even if I Wet It, and the Second Battle of Dandruff. Add to this the constant shampoo reinforcements, the tactical haircutting campaigns, and the retreat of my hairline, and you’ve got yourself a conflict. I once used the nuclear option and shaved it all off but apparently, guerrilla fighters used the sun to wage a Scorched Skin campaign. It was, unfortunately, quite burny.

The War on Procrastination: Who am I kidding? I’m not really “fighting” this one.

The Vietnamese War: The food, not the people.

Dance Dance Revolution: This conflict resulting from unresolved tensions after the Nintendo Revolution. I have no rhythm.

War on War: this is a fantastic Wilco song. According to the lyrics:

“You're gonna lose
You have to lose
You have to learn how to die”
I don't know what they're talking about, but I like it.