When Fatman needs a sidekick . . .

Because of my disdain for Chicago, I sent Gilberte, a former resident, this link from Worker #3116.

Gilberte replied:
ah, the sad result of cultural pomposity...
as she/he/you quickly loses any chance of knowing the sweet embrace of
midwestern kindness.

me:
it's not cultural pomposity, it's physical obesity,

and as far as I can tell, the sweet embrace of midwestern kindness involves force feeding me casseroles, chicken pot pie, potato salad, and caramel corn until I either vomit out a "Go Bears!" (or "Go Colts" for that matter) or until I am redolent of trans fats, my glistening skin tastes like a basted turkey, and the sweet sound of my open-mouthed chewing fills the air.

Also, lakes are for pussies.