orientated

New job-
10:45 - three hours in
I’m starting a new job today, which is exciting, except that I’m going through an orientation session that makes me want to disembowel myself with my complimentary pen. Also, why do people ask questions at this sort of thing? Don’t they realize they’re just extending the time we have to sit here. I could give this orientation. I could compress this 7 hour waste into 10 minutes of fun. The worst part is, they haven’t even taught me how to get online, so I can’t distract myself with the internet. I wonder if anyone would notice if I put my giant headphones on and started watching the Wire.

10:50 Employee awards – if you’re a suckup douchebag, you can get a big old certificate saying so. I’m going to get drunk during lunch. Then I can make all sorts of poor decisions about medical and retirement benefits in the afternoon. Then when I throw myself off a bridge, I’ll have no health care coverage. Ooops.

10:55 Do you know what to do if there’s an emergency? That’s right. Call 911.
10:57 And if you get stuck in an elevator, push that big red button.
11:00 I'm taking a nap