orientated

New job-
10:45 - three hours in
I’m starting a new job today, which is exciting, except that I’m going through an orientation session that makes me want to disembowel myself with my complimentary pen. Also, why do people ask questions at this sort of thing? Don’t they realize they’re just extending the time we have to sit here. I could give this orientation. I could compress this 7 hour waste into 10 minutes of fun. The worst part is, they haven’t even taught me how to get online, so I can’t distract myself with the internet. I wonder if anyone would notice if I put my giant headphones on and started watching the Wire.

10:50 Employee awards – if you’re a suckup douchebag, you can get a big old certificate saying so. I’m going to get drunk during lunch. Then I can make all sorts of poor decisions about medical and retirement benefits in the afternoon. Then when I throw myself off a bridge, I’ll have no health care coverage. Ooops.

10:55 Do you know what to do if there’s an emergency? That’s right. Call 911.
10:57 And if you get stuck in an elevator, push that big red button.
11:00 I'm taking a nap

you should. . .buy yourself a smoothie

A few years back I had a job that I did not like. I didn't like the people. I didn't like the work. I didn't think it had any kind of positive societal outcome that would make me able to assuage my ennui with a feeling of accomplishment (though everyone else there seemed to think so). Even the bagel shop next door was worthless; it was more like they were serving dense, bland, raisin-ridden crackers. However, there was a smoothie shop next to the bagel shop. Every day, at around 11:30, I would saunter out of the office (I love the feeling of leaving your workplace to go outside, even if it's just for snack time), cross the road, bypass the bagel shop, and order myself a delicious pina colada-style smoothie. I would buy the largest size, and the 1300 calories of sugar would keep me entertained for the rest of the day. I felt like a fucking hummingbird.

It's been ungodly hot lately, and, while I've mostly switched to solid lunches, I had accomplished a good deal of work, exercise, flirting, and dehydration, all before 1 P.M. on a weekend. I decided to celebrate with a pineapple smoothie. Instead of an escapist snack, it would be lunchtime revelry.

They didn't have pineapple. I got pomegranate instead. Not worth it. I might as well have made myself a glass of Tang, or bought a YooHoo.

Office Mindgames, Part II

This one’s like “pros and cons” , but more people can play. On your whiteboard, or piece of paper, or computer screen, you need to start a list. I like to keep the title simple. I write something like “Who is better?” on the top. Then, make a column for each person who you wish to include. After this, the process is simple. Make inexplicable tallies of how many points watch contestant has. While not telling them what most points are for, you can keep them interested by occasionally giving them a point for good behavior (like, they get you lunch). You can also take one away if they do something like make fun of your clothes, criticize the game for being cruel and manipulative, or not getting you lunch. Try to maintain a balance between keeping them intrigued and letting them ever win. Keep the points close, and, once your bored, let the person you would most like to sleep with win.

you should. . .buy some box wine for the office

First, let’s be clear. This is only for after hours consumption. When you are at the office on your own time, you can feel free to have a few glasses of cheap wine. Box wine is the best choice, because that box wine stays good forever, comes in handy 5 liter portions, and matches well with depression. So, after five, you may take out your box of wine and poor yourself a glass, but not before. Unless you’re feeling frustrated with work, or are already drunk, or hungover. Then feel free to drink, surreptiously. Make sure your lips don’t get stained.

But, after hours, that's when you can really focus on it. You are a hard worker. You are a go-getter. You are intoxicated with your virtue.

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day 1

Dear Branson and Gilberte ,
We just wanted you to know how little you are missing in being away from work this week.

Today began with a trip to an empty starbucks. The lack of a line made our turn around time too quick. We needed to stall. Miranda tried to kill some extra time by quizzing the baristas on the quirkiest coffee demands they've received. They used some coffee terminologies we can't even begin to reproduce. Miranda tried to look sad because she wanted some kind of depression discount. I just wanted a mocha.

Our drinks were effeminate and delicious.

We spent a long time trying to plan Perry's going away party. We have the event's location down to either the Guwertz's mansion, the Sunset Saloon, or Beers Bowling and Billiards. This process took a long time.

We tried to figure out why it was colder inside than outside. The mystery remains unsolved.

We talked about work for 20 minutes. This made us feel intelligent. It also helped me to realize that my project is interesting, and Miranda's is not.

We made some shit up about you two.

We spent a long time planning, and looking forward to, a trip to the bank. We waited until four for this expedition. It was tough to hold off for so long.

The we went to the bank. It was awesome!!
The End. We hate you guys.

looking forward to tomorrow,
Marcel Parcells and Miranda