trivial

This idea is a good one. Forget debates. They're boring. And they only encourage pandering.

Quiz show.

all the candidates lined up, answering questions. written by me.

Rudy Giuliani- "John leaves on a train from Bluetown at 8:21 A.M. His train heads toward Redville at 30 miles per hour. If Redville is 24 miles away, what time will he get to Redville?" [Answer: 9:11]

Mick Huckabee- "If a religious man loses half of his body weight, and no God is there to care about it, is it still worth shit?"

Duncan Hunter- "Why are you wasting our time?"

John McCain - "Which war is better, Iraq or Vietnam?"

Ron Paul- "If I asked you to go away, would you?"

Mitt Romney - "What is a Mormon, really?"

Tom Tancredo - "How many wetbacks does it take to screw over our country? How about a light bulb?"

Fred Thompson - "How can I be on Law & Order?"

teh worst country

I know people pull out the Australia-as-a-country-of-convicts-that-were-sent-to -the-other-end-of-the-earth-for-a-reason thing far to often.

But. . .

Place is like Oz. Both the sex-happy prison show and the marsupial flying monkeys Pink Floyd drug movie.

teh best cat

I had a cat once. He farted more than a cat should, and we thought he had diabetes. He was less than impressive.

My cat will only drink from a running faucet. Without me, Volcano would die of thirst.

As a boy, I was mystified by my cat. I wondered what he did off in the woods all day. One warm weekend, I followed him as he left the house, and we walked through the brush and the marsh all morning. It was difficult to stay close, and I got caught in the briars several times. My thrashing continually ruined MacBeth's hunting. So he scratched me in the face. Diabolical.

Once when I was housesitting for these people in the mountains, the owners' cat got eaten by a cougar. He got out-catted.

Anyway,

Guns! Iowa!

Hey! Have you heard about the Presidential Primaries? They're like the Olympics of politics, because they're every four years. But, unlike the Olympics, where every country can participate, the Presidential Primaries only happen in two states (maybe four- who the fuck knows anymore?).

According to this article, Obama and his lady say that guns are more important for Iowans, not because of hunting, but because of crime! Yes. The mean streets of rural Iowa are aflame with cow rapists and corn poachers and butter burglars and other violent offenders and maybe arabs!

So, first, let's just do away with all of those arguments on whether or not guns accomplish anything for home defense or deterrence. This guy makes the point that there are places like Philadelphia where you might have to worry a little bit more about crime, but Obama and Lady Obama are more concerned about Iowa. Because they are more worried about crime in the rural midwest. Because they hate black people.

Or, because this is pandering, which is what Presidential candidates do to those lucky-every-four-years people in Iowa. It's like they're the prom committee and Obama wants to be Queen. He'll give them any reason to like his support of Iowan gun-havers.

Really, the only non-hunting excuse Iowans should have for gun-having is that if you live in Iowa, suicide should be an option.

Firing my rocket

Yes! Hillary Clinton supports manned space travel. Because there is nothing more useless than manned space travel, and because I love useless, she's getting my vote.

I'm also supporting her because of her shrewdness in supporting an endeavor that few are firmly against, but that, since NASA's real mission is paying people to help them fire rockets into space, has strong industrial constituencies in almost every state. Go Hils!

I want a puppy!

I can predict the New York Times

America East is catching on. One day after I decided America East was the greatest idea since America I, the New York times did, too!

They said that "we need to think" about "military options" so that we can help "stabilize" Pakistan. I read that as taking the country over so we can build our Asian paradise. First we'll go get their nukes, and then we will let them have Bee Movie, and then we will wallow in pit full of Pakistani happiness and American Dreams.

America East

I've been reading up on Pakistan, and I like what I see. First, this New York Times article says, "U.S. Secretly Aids Pakistan in Guarding Nuclear Arms" Great. That makes them partly ours, I guess.

A lot of people, including this guy and this guy and several others, seem to think we need a strong Pakistan. Me, I'm rooting for that shit to go down the tubes. That's the only way Pakistan will become available for American intervention. Unlike Iraq, they actually have WMDs that we'll have to safeguard when the country goes to shit. I want lawyers fighting Army mans and Bhutto fighting Musharraf, and Musharraf bodybuilding against any comers and Pashtuns fighting someone.

Then, we can intervene, like we like to do. And that, when linked to Afghanistan, when linked to our coming war in Iran, when linked to Iraq, will set the stage for the eventual foundation of America East.

When America East is born, it will have almost 300 million people (just like us!) and will be almost as big as India. We're always worried about the up and coming Asian powers and the stability of the region and not having jet lag for the Beijing Olympics, and America East will solve all of these programs. How much better will the outsourcing situation be when we can outsource to ourselves?

Also, oil and heroin and really good wool, all ours for the taking.
once the wars are all good and done:
Step 1: Get them to stop hating us.
Step 2: Send them KFC. (which would actually probably help with step 1)
Step 3: Elect U.S. President Junior, caliph of America East.
Step 4: Bask

sports skillz

The "Comment"section of Nov. 19s New Yorker is about Musharraf blah blah Benazir Bhutto Army Pashtun yawn.

It also has this quote, from Musharraf's book, which is also a Clint Eastwood movie or some shit, In the Line of Fire

I was fourth in cross-country, was the top gymnast, and was third in the "Mr FC College" bodybuilding competition. . .Muhammad Iqbal Butt, who had competed creditably in the Mr. Universe competition, told me at the time that I had a most muscular physique.

1. Gay. These are all sports for gays.
2. This should be the modern triathlon. I want to see General Sports Pervez Prefontaine Lou Retton Schwarzenegger step out of his track shoes, pommel horse his way across the floor program trampoline ring toss, and finish it off with some squat thrusting. Beautiful. He will still have to wear the General's uniform.
3. President to President head to head? Bring it on!
4. Ego much?
5. Oh Noes!!! I am jealous of his skillz.

Viagra, blood pressure, and money

I have to give a VERY IMPORTANT PRESENTATION in a couple of weeks, and hey, I'm a little nervous about it. Normally I can get up in front of people and ramble like a motherfucker without worry. My overweened sense of superiority lets me feel ok in front of almost any audience. But this talk has significant CONSEQUENCES, and I'm a little bit worried. Since I was going to be nervous anyway, I figured I might as well go for full on flopsweating, pantswetting, quavering terror. Also, money!

I've been asking my friends how much they would pay me to pop two Viagra right before the talk. I find the image of myself standing up in front of a Powerpoint screen with the most persistent erection of my life a little bit amusing (and a lot mortifying). I thought this would be a big draw, but apparently, my friends who will be in the audience were more uncomfortable with having to watch this display than I would be with doing it.
The only taker was EricIsDerek. But he wanted me to wear pants identical to the ones David Bowie wears in Labyrinth (bulgy!). Even if it wasn't already embarrassing, no. Never, The physical discomfort alone- it would be like wearing a tiny condom made of hate.