teh best cat

I had a cat once. He farted more than a cat should, and we thought he had diabetes. He was less than impressive.

My cat will only drink from a running faucet. Without me, Volcano would die of thirst.

As a boy, I was mystified by my cat. I wondered what he did off in the woods all day. One warm weekend, I followed him as he left the house, and we walked through the brush and the marsh all morning. It was difficult to stay close, and I got caught in the briars several times. My thrashing continually ruined MacBeth's hunting. So he scratched me in the face. Diabolical.

Once when I was housesitting for these people in the mountains, the owners' cat got eaten by a cougar. He got out-catted.

Anyway,

Michael Cera is acting my life

According to Variety,

Michael Cera has joined the cast of Youth in Revolt, for which the

Story revolves around the adventures of a teenager who meets the girl of his dreams while on a family vacation and turns his life upside down in order to be with her.

Just substitute "29 year old" for "teenager", "lonely" for "family", "wallet" for "life", and "bottle of Tennessee Bourbon of his dreams" for "girl of his dreams."

Oh, and "it" for "her," if we're going to be grammatically scrupulous.