Memorial Day

Some thoughts:
1. My city is awash in parachutists fighter jets, and military regalia. This makes me glad we authorized all of that extra money for Iraq. No one wants to watch a shitty parade.

2.Up to half of the American-trained Iraqi security forces might be insurgents. Sweet. Plus,

We help them in the day. They turn around at night and try to kill us.

You know, like Dracula. Spooky.
.

Pump. Up. The. . .

The Recording Industry Association of America is going to be in congressional hearings again soon. This time they are trying to get local radio station to pay them royalties. As usual, this comes off as pretty selfish on the part of the record labels, and one can see several reasons for their arguments being faulty. Have these guys ever been behind something that the average citizen stops and thinks, "Well, that sounds fair. The record companies deserve that."? I'm just waiting for the eventual collapse of the recording industry. I cant wait until all of music is disseminated by Myspace and street musicians.

If we ever needed Christian Slater to remind us about the virtue of free airwaves, that time is now.

Terror Time!

Are we safe from animal lovers? No. Just look at the way they're always keeping pit bulls alive, defending the rights of mountain lions, and not letting me eat the Filet-O-Fish sandwiches I need to survive.
Are animal lovers terrorists? No. They are not to be feared. I am not afraid of their weak vegan arms, their pleather shitkicking boots, or their "let's save the shit out of every living thing" attitude.
So, yes, Caroline Paul (ha ha, two differently gendered first names) is correct in defending her(?) arsonist brother from charges of terrorism. However, this is not so much news, or an opinion I need to hear. Our government has consistently overreacted to everything (except of course, that initial terrorist threat and the guy behind it) since sometime in the fall of 2001. Remember freedom fries? Remember "if you're not with us, you're with the terrorists"? OH! Remember WMDs and the many linkages between Al Qaeda and Saddam. I say it's time to get over this whole, "the Bush Administration said this, which is kind fo an exaggeration," and deal with the real problems, like what TV are we going to watch this summer, which presidential candidate does the second-best job of talking to black people, and how am I going to get in her pants?

Office mindgames, part III

This one’s a little juvenile, but if you have any coworkers who have paranoid tendencies I recommend it.

Miranda is paranoid. When she’s interested in a boy, she won’t webstalk him, for fear that he’ll somehow be alerted to her looking at his myspace page. When she sees coworkers in her neighborhood, she tries to avoid being seen because she doesn’t want them to know where she lives. Once, she accused me of hanging out in the Ford Dealership near her apartment, spying (and I let her think that for a little while). Once after a discussion on who Angela Lansbury was, I sent her a text message that just said, “Murder, She Wrote!” She became convinced that she was now on a terrorist watch list, and would never get a job with the government.

Today I sneak onto Miranda’s computer when she’s out at lunch. I use her email account to send her an email to herself, from herself. I did not look at any messages, as this would have gone beyond my bounds of propriety. I just hit “compose” and wrote,

“Dear Miranda,
Hi! I just wanted to tell you that I think we look really nice today. It’s too bad the Bachelor (from the current Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman) can’t see us today! Plus, we feel so cozy in our pink sweater, don’t we?
See you later,
Miranda”

I look over at her desk at some point, and she looks like she’s about to lose her shit. I say,
“What’s up?”
She’s wide eyed, looks a little nervous. And says, “Did you send me an email?”
Me: No, why did you get an email from me?
Miranda: No. But just tell me, did you do this.?

She gets a Tums out of her desk, and I’m really worried she’s going to freak out. She thinks some stalker has hacked into her email. I eventually have to tell her, and I get hit and verbally abused all day as a result. Paranoiacs don’t take jokes well.

you should. . .do a power hour

Apparently, Branson and I are feeling old, and desperately clinging to the last vestiges of irresponsible youth. We originally went to the saloon promising to share one pitcher of Pabst. As we finished it, I said, “We should have another one,” which is what one o fus always says on weeknights, and Branson said, “We should do a power hour.” Or at least, that’s what I think I heard him say. The waitress had already been summoned, but I sent her away, as I was inspired by the poor judgment Branson displayed.
I got up from the table, and led us to the liquor store, where we picked up the malt liquor we would need for our hour of beer shots. At home, we commenced.
We actually only drank 54 shots of beer in that hour. At around minute forty, I experienced an inexplicable sneezing fit that incapacitated me for several minutes as I spit phlegm, and dribbled snot into a nearby recycling bin. We both felt awful after our hour. We went to sleep, and I woke up for work six hours later.
At one point during the hour, Branson and I talked about one of our favorite old Saturday night live skits, a commercial for “Bad Idea Jeans” which features several small white men talking about their bad ideas (example: “Normally, I use protection, but I figured, 'When am I going to make it back to Haiti?'" and “Now that I have kids I feel a lot better having a gun in the house") before taking on a basketball team full of large, proficient-looking black men. Jimmy and I decided that we should market “Worst Idea Ever Jeans”. In the morning, I just wanted a pair of “Full-on crippling regret Jeans.” Instead I wore khakis.

George Bailey

And now I'm stuck in this shameful spiral of investigating the presidential candidates no one has ever heard of.
Dr. George Bailey

“First, I am an American. Second, I am a practicing Christian. Third, I am a veteran. Fourth, I am a Cushite, Ebony, Negro, Black, and African American, who proudly embraces my ancestral heritage. Fifth, I am a former independent Democrat, and presently, I am an independent Republican. And sixth, I am my own man, free from any commitments to special interest groups who are paralyzed morally, and who hinder social-economic equity to all Americans in thought, word, and deeds.”

Currently, his blog is written in Latin. Hopefully they'll switch to a language people still speak before the primaries.

Jesus Noah Awesome

Michael Jesus Archangel has a history of self-acknowledged history of depression and paranoia, according to Politics1.com. You would think this would make him question his current belief that he is God. But, our current president also believes that God talks to him, and people seem to like him, so who am I to judge?

And one. . .

Another Also-ran from Radar: Michael Jesus Archangel

Pros: 1. In addition to campaigning, Mr. Archangel runs a private investigative agency, a cosmic bank, and a modeling agency. He may be a multitasker of Clinton’s caliber.

2. Has Jesus in his name. People love Jesus, right?

3. Has already prophesied his own victory. We might as well get on the winning team now.
Cons: 1. Has a problem with the “homosexual Satan.” This creates worry that he may be getting a lot of his policy knowledge from South Park.

2. Wears too much jewelry for a dude.

3. Attempted murder charges have been brought against him in the past. Such a firebrand might react negatively to world leaders such as Hugo Chavez.

Could be a contender. . .

Radar has this series called Meet the Also-Rans Which features presidential candidates such as Jonathon the Impaler and "White People's Candidate" John Taylor Bowles. Pros and cons of each candidate below:

Jonathon the Impaler
PRO: 1. Will command a regiment of vampires. This can only increase national security.
2. Wants to personally impale both Mike Tyson and O.J. Simpson. While perhaps more useful if done in the early 1990s, I don't think there are many people who wouldn't get behind this policy.
3. Is an impaler. Badass.

CON: 1. Is an ordained satanic priest, and thus creates separation of church/state issues.
2. May only be an effective leader at night.
3. Is Jonathon the impaler. Not quite so badass. I recommend a name change to Vlad, or even Tryone.

John Taylor Bowles
PRO: 1. Plan to lower taxes by cutting off aid to Israel. Everyone loves a tax cut.
2. Plans to end the unpopular Iraq war for the purpose of putting all troops on our southern border.
3. Is white, and thus electable.

CON: 1. Bad fashion, especially the swastikas.
2. Will probably not get the approval of the Hebrew Cabal that actually controls our country.
3. With a small grammatical change, is just a white people candidate, and thus not much different from most of the rest of the pack.

recreation time

Ex-president William Jefferson Clinton helped to write this New York Times crossword puzzle. Is there anything he can't do? Wonkette provides some a great screen capture and some good comments on the puzzle. I'm just wondering if we can make this some sort of presidential tradition. I would love to see George Bush's take on wordplay. If we could at least get him to develop an acrostic, connect-the-dots, color-by-number, or magic eye picture, I would be a pretty happy guy.

poor people

[After I show Miranda my desk drawer full of box wine.]
Miranda: We could drink some right now.
Marcel Parcells: No, not yet.
Miranda: C’mon. I’ll go downstairs and get some solo cups.
Marcel: No. I don’t drink out of plastic cups.
Miranda: What do you mean? Why not?
Marcel: Plastic cups are for poor people.
Miranda: (laughing) Ha. You hate poor people!

For similar reasons, I also refuse to sit on the floor, ride the bus, kill my own food, or eat at KFC.

you should. . .eat a spoonful of peanut butter every now and then.

Because it’s a good source of protein when you’re in a rush. I like creamy, but you do what you want.

Inappropriate attire

I was feeling pretty great today. I’m single these days, my hair looked nice, and I felt like I had picked out a nice little outfit for myself. So, since it was a fairly pleasant day, I found myself strolling around town, not really rushing anywhere, just looking at people enjoying their days, enjoying the sunshine, you know, doing whatever content people are supposed to do.
Because of this confidence I was feeling, I found myself looking at more women than I usually do. It’s springtime, and that always brings out the radiance in people’s skin. Plus, you get to see more skirts ad exposed arms, and sunglasses can really fool you into thinking a girl might have a pretty face. So, I’m walking around, and I’ not hitting on girls or anything, just glancing and occasionally making eye contact and thinking about how hot they must think I am. I see this one pretty girl. I think I’ve seen her around, so I give her an extra smile, and she looks at me and smile back, and then looks down.
I read somewhere on the internet that when a women who you’ve made eye contact with looks down directly after, it’s a positive sign, because it signals submission, unlike when they look to the side, which basically means they are just trying to find something better to be staring at. I’ve never known whether to believe this, but when she looked back up and smiled I was feeling pretty good about myself. I looked down to figure out my next step. After smiling and eye contact, the next step involves speaking, which is much more of a commitment. I’m looking down, formulating a simple introduction, and I notice I’m wearing two different shoes. This is not like, too similar shoes. My right foot is looking smart in a nice brown dress shoe, while lefty is ready for a jog in its gleaming white sneaker.

Motherfucking unacceptable.