you should. . .listen to more Matchbox 20

Ha ha. Not really.

Usually, I have nothing but scorn for Matchbox 20. I think Rob Thomas is a bland bland man in a bland bland band. But, I find myself compelled to keep listening to the song, "Mad Season." It's like Rob Thomas is singing what's in my soul, except my soul doesn't have any of the rock star paranoia that comes out in the video, just the melodramatic self-pity thing.

Also in the video, some great cop dancing at around 3:28.

Like praying on a rollercoaster

Fluxx is a card game. Christian Fluxx is the Christian version of said card game. I played the original Fluxx once while I was waiting to have brunch in Oregon, it was nothing special, but worked ok for passing the time, and fit nicely in a purse or pocket. If describing it, I would call it "a pretty fun game."

So, Christian Fluxx. For those concerned with religious equality, Looney Labs, the makers of Fluxx, also make a Jewish version, with Shabbat, and Judaica Bonuses and other fun activities. I have not seen any other denominations represented, but all the atheist hippies out there would probably be pretty happy with EcoFluxx. My thing with Christian Fluxx is, isn't Christianity fun enough already? I mean, there are Easter egg hunts and kneeling and confessing your sins and overweened senses of self-worth and the righteous feeling that comes from decrying the acts of others and bingo and Catholic Boys Schools (my personal favorite) and the Popemobile and the Indiana Jones movies and eucharist and didn't Jim and Tammy Faye used to have a Christian-themed amusement park?

I'm just saying, I think the fun level in Christianity is high enough. Let's get a little serious about this stuff. Save the Fluxx for the Wiccans.

I do like how the "Christian Fluxx" sounds a little dirty, though.

Nitpicking

I saw this mentioned on Wonkette, which provided this quote from the original article:

If they vote against gays, we know they're queer. If they're hopped up about "child porn," we can guess their internet habits. If they hold up monogamous marriage as a Christian ideal, we know they're adulterous, blasphemous fools.

While I am as alarmed as the next person at the epidemic of repression-based scandal in the GOP, I found the above statement to be a little too hyperbolic. Seems a bit categorical, is all.

So, I ask.

If they come out against gay marriage, we know they are gay married?

Lancer

Lance Armstrong's Livestrong Presidential Forum on cancer has begun. He is the most qualified person to run this, since he is a famous person who has had cancer. When we have a Presidential forum on terrorism, we will have to get someone famous who has been terrorized. Perhaps Britney Spears's children will be available. Anyway.

1: Can't we just declare John Edwards the winner of cancer. I mean he actually has a detailed health care policy, and he has that embattled wife and all, so let's give him cancer.

2: There are two camps on Lance Armstrong. Camp One is, "inspiration blah blah blah cancer, bicycling and let's forget he's been a shit to his family, and poor Sheryl Crow." I am in Camp Two. While I am sorry he had cancer, I also think he probably got it from whatever steroids he was on. As far as I can tell, every professional cyclist is doping. We just don't have the technology or the time to catch them all. Also, I'm tired of seeing his aerodynamic face, because I'm malicious and resent all those who are successful.

So, my friend sent this to me, and I laughed.

you should. . .buy yourself a smoothie

A few years back I had a job that I did not like. I didn't like the people. I didn't like the work. I didn't think it had any kind of positive societal outcome that would make me able to assuage my ennui with a feeling of accomplishment (though everyone else there seemed to think so). Even the bagel shop next door was worthless; it was more like they were serving dense, bland, raisin-ridden crackers. However, there was a smoothie shop next to the bagel shop. Every day, at around 11:30, I would saunter out of the office (I love the feeling of leaving your workplace to go outside, even if it's just for snack time), cross the road, bypass the bagel shop, and order myself a delicious pina colada-style smoothie. I would buy the largest size, and the 1300 calories of sugar would keep me entertained for the rest of the day. I felt like a fucking hummingbird.

It's been ungodly hot lately, and, while I've mostly switched to solid lunches, I had accomplished a good deal of work, exercise, flirting, and dehydration, all before 1 P.M. on a weekend. I decided to celebrate with a pineapple smoothie. Instead of an escapist snack, it would be lunchtime revelry.

They didn't have pineapple. I got pomegranate instead. Not worth it. I might as well have made myself a glass of Tang, or bought a YooHoo.

Supergirl

I rushed to get dressed for happy hour. At one point, while I was sitting there, Sissy pointed out that one of the buttons on my shirt was undone.
Sissy: Oh, I love it when you give us a show!
Marcel Parcells: Well, I've got extraordinary areolas.
Charles: He's just trying to show off the giant Superman S tattood to his chest.
Marcel Parcells: Uhh, it's Supergirl. Can't you recognize a Sans-Serif font when you see it?

The old woman who ruined my day

This morning I went take my car for emissions testing. As the car was going through the tests, I sat down with a book, trying to get the waiting process over with.
An old woman approached me. She was really quite old. My first guess would be that she was 78 years old.

Elderly Woman: What does [redacted] mean?
Marcel Parcells (looking down at the logo on my shirt) Oh. That's the name of the sports team I used to play for.

I tried to turn back to my book.

Elderly Woman: I won't wear shirts with words on them. I don't want people staring at my tits.
Marcel Parcells: . . .
Elderly Woman: ha ha ha
Marcel Parcells (with a weak chuckle): Uh, yeah. I guess I don't have that problem.

The worst part about the whole ordeal was that after she said this thing. I felt an incredibly strong urge to check out her tits. It took an enormous amount of concentration to not stare at her tits. Instead, I focused on the hairy wart growing out of her neck. After she walked away I actually did look. You could see her bra though her shirt, but her breasts were nothing special.

Travel Guide: Tennessee

I felt bad for having fun at the expense of the South the other day. It was like that line about t-shirts as formal wear was beneath me. Perhaps not beneath Jeff Foxworthy, but beneath me. Then, I was driving across Tennessee, and I saw a billboard for a lawyer. It was one of those, “Need help? Call Jeff Sims!” type of deals. I did a double take, you know, because Jeff Sims was wearing a black t-shirt in his lawyering add. So, my little formal wear joke: Not funny. Not clever. But true.

Then I forgot about being nice as my obvious superiority to everyone around me became evident to myself. I drove a portion of the ride with my sister. As I came out of a rest area in Oklahoma, it was like,
Marcel Parcells: You know, we’re the most attractive people in this state.
Marcy Parcells: (laughs) It’s true. Actually, its been true since we entered Virginia. What made you say that right now?
Marcel Parcells: Oh, there was this old lady in the rest area. She only had one arm, and her nub was nasty.
Marcy Parcells: . . .

Ten minutes pass.

Marcy Parcells is watching a couple in an adjoining car. I can’t see what they’re doing, but she turns to me, “We’re also the coolest people in the state.”
Marcel Parcells: Yup.

Michael Cera is acting my life

According to Variety,

Michael Cera has joined the cast of Youth in Revolt, for which the

Story revolves around the adventures of a teenager who meets the girl of his dreams while on a family vacation and turns his life upside down in order to be with her.

Just substitute "29 year old" for "teenager", "lonely" for "family", "wallet" for "life", and "bottle of Tennessee Bourbon of his dreams" for "girl of his dreams."

Oh, and "it" for "her," if we're going to be grammatically scrupulous.

travelogue

I decided to drive across the country. While I am loving my wonderful new car, I am not loving my decision to drive through the South. I was prepared for the bad food, but was surprised that people in Tennessee were so poorly dressed. I feel like I'm dressed to the nines in my t-shirt sleeves and actual shoes. At one point I felt like I belonged. I was eating Twizzlers and applying deodorant while driving. When I saw a few turkey looking animals on the side of the road, I said, "Will you take a look at those fuckers?" To myself. Twizzler juice dripped on my shirt.

Really, I'm just displacing my loneliness with stereotypical east coast elitism. I find a reason to mock half the people on the road.

I'm in a shitty hotel and the mistakes I've made with every woman I've ever known are marching montage-style through my dreams. I tried to watch tv to fix it, but the Gilmore Girls are the cure for nothing. I do love their sassy repartee and unnecessary sub-pop culture references, though.

Anyway, in sum. Boston to D.C.: Good choice as always, bad traffic.
After that: Should have found a reason to go to Chicago. Then it's a day to Boulder, and there's actual scenery starting there.
Tomorrow, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and the Texas Panhandle.
Santa Fe will be nice though, right?

the important avenues for change

Oooh look! Climate change!
Now that Judge Parker is on the case, we'll finally have some movement on the issue. Fuck Al Gore, and fuck Leonardo Dicaprio (except for his wonderful work in the Departed. And Growing Pains.

I would have thought this was an issue for Mark Trail, what with his love of nature and all that crap. But hey, as long as we can get Family circus to stay the hell away from it, we'll all survive the looming environmental catastrophe.

you should. . . look for a half marathon to run

You need to boost your self-esteem. What better way than training for a half-marathon (you promise to work your way up to a real marathon), working hard to get your mile time under six minutes, and then injuring yourself two weeks before the race. Make sure to do it someplace shitty, so you can’t even enjoy the plane ticket you bought for the trip!

The upside will be that you will decide to call yourself "Sports" for the entire training period. For some reason going around as "Sports Parcells" keeps you entertained for months.

In the shit

Here is a video of a baby buffalo being fought over between a pride of lions, a couple crocodiles, and its own herd. Must be nice to be desired.

Book Club! Special Topics in Calamity Physics

I read a book! This book, entitled Special Topics in Calamity Physics, was about teenage drinking, private school, the Electra Complex, inappropriate relationships between teachers and students, between teachers and students’ parents, and between students’ parents and school administrators. Also, violent leftist radical failures [Yes, the last word is extraneous].

This book is extremely well-referenced! I identified strongly with the narrator, because she is slightly more intelligent (you can tell this because she attends an Ivy League school that is more prestigious than my Ivy League school), and slightly more socially adept (you can tell this because she wasn’t raised by Catholic priests) than I am.

I say, read this book. It has many astute references to other books I think you should read, and it’s funny at times. While it’s about as believable as Harry Potter, the writing is far more colorful, and there’s almost sex in it! Oooohhhh! Literary!!!