sports skillz

The "Comment"section of Nov. 19s New Yorker is about Musharraf blah blah Benazir Bhutto Army Pashtun yawn.

It also has this quote, from Musharraf's book, which is also a Clint Eastwood movie or some shit, In the Line of Fire

I was fourth in cross-country, was the top gymnast, and was third in the "Mr FC College" bodybuilding competition. . .Muhammad Iqbal Butt, who had competed creditably in the Mr. Universe competition, told me at the time that I had a most muscular physique.

1. Gay. These are all sports for gays.
2. This should be the modern triathlon. I want to see General Sports Pervez Prefontaine Lou Retton Schwarzenegger step out of his track shoes, pommel horse his way across the floor program trampoline ring toss, and finish it off with some squat thrusting. Beautiful. He will still have to wear the General's uniform.
3. President to President head to head? Bring it on!
4. Ego much?
5. Oh Noes!!! I am jealous of his skillz.

running

I run a lot these days. I won't say too much about the actual running, because if there's one thing I hate more than fat people, it's amateur athletes who take themselves so seriously and think that their minor feats of prowess deserve lengthy emails or barside diatribes the lengths of which bragging have not been seen since the last time Lance Armstrong made someone write a book for him. They go on about how motherfucking low their heart rate is, and how once it only beat four times in a minute, about mileage and shoes and this marathon was great but this other race was twice as long, and thus greater. When these people are running, I want to throw a stick between their legs.

Anyway, my running has been good. It's escapism, like drinking, except it's totally socially acceptable. If I leave work for a while to go running, people nod and smile and approve of me taking two hours out of my workday. If I leave work to go drinking, they frown and shake their heads and whisper about intervention and how I "looked rough this morning." This is why I lie when I leave work to go drinking.

Besides that, everything is the same. After a while, I feel loose and happy and a little buzzed. Soon after that, my mouth is dry and my body aches and I just want to great a shit ton of greasy food and go back to bed.

So running. It's just like drinking, for when you can't be drinking.

Oh, and I've heard it's healthier.

Lancer

Lance Armstrong's Livestrong Presidential Forum on cancer has begun. He is the most qualified person to run this, since he is a famous person who has had cancer. When we have a Presidential forum on terrorism, we will have to get someone famous who has been terrorized. Perhaps Britney Spears's children will be available. Anyway.

1: Can't we just declare John Edwards the winner of cancer. I mean he actually has a detailed health care policy, and he has that embattled wife and all, so let's give him cancer.

2: There are two camps on Lance Armstrong. Camp One is, "inspiration blah blah blah cancer, bicycling and let's forget he's been a shit to his family, and poor Sheryl Crow." I am in Camp Two. While I am sorry he had cancer, I also think he probably got it from whatever steroids he was on. As far as I can tell, every professional cyclist is doping. We just don't have the technology or the time to catch them all. Also, I'm tired of seeing his aerodynamic face, because I'm malicious and resent all those who are successful.

So, my friend sent this to me, and I laughed.

you should. . . look for a half marathon to run

You need to boost your self-esteem. What better way than training for a half-marathon (you promise to work your way up to a real marathon), working hard to get your mile time under six minutes, and then injuring yourself two weeks before the race. Make sure to do it someplace shitty, so you can’t even enjoy the plane ticket you bought for the trip!

The upside will be that you will decide to call yourself "Sports" for the entire training period. For some reason going around as "Sports Parcells" keeps you entertained for months.