you should. . . look for a half marathon to run

You need to boost your self-esteem. What better way than training for a half-marathon (you promise to work your way up to a real marathon), working hard to get your mile time under six minutes, and then injuring yourself two weeks before the race. Make sure to do it someplace shitty, so you can’t even enjoy the plane ticket you bought for the trip!

The upside will be that you will decide to call yourself "Sports" for the entire training period. For some reason going around as "Sports Parcells" keeps you entertained for months.