super duper

Well, it's super Tuesday. Yay votes.
If you're a racist sexist member of the Democratic party, good luck. I suggest you vote for Hillary, since white women have the ability to make more white men. If you're not racist or sexist, vote for Obama, because he's got nice teeth, and that works when judging horses, right?

Right now, Huckabee's winning in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Missouri, Tennessee and West Virginia. Yup, he's definitely got the backwards nutjob vote locked up.

Obama's got Connecticut, now. That whole idea that he can only win in black states is out the window. So, the good news is that, when a whole state votes for a half-white man, he can still win with 50% of the vote. That's the math, right?

babies for hillary

Hillary Clinton cried again today, which makes her a tired crybaby faker passionate feeling committed fragile crying crier. You know what constituency is really big on crying?

Infants.

Yes. Hillary now has the baby vote locked up. The elusive baby vote, millions strong, but as of yet uncommitted to a candidate. Until now they were torn between Obama's reassuring smile , Hillary's delicious mammaries, and Dennis Kucinich's tiny baby body. But now they have someone who they can relate to, someone who can communicate with. A crier.

If the babies can get their mommies to bring them to the polls, hold them up to the ballot box, check off the box for Hillary, change their diapers, and amend the constitution to allow babies to vote, I predict a big win for Hillary. If not, well, at least she's got the wussy vote. Wussies love crying, too.

p.s. It has also been noted (by Greg Wasserstrom at Cynics Party) that Hillary was showing poor judgment by wearing her yellow jacket today. Maybe she wasn't crying, maybe it hurts her eyes too.

Will Bill Shill for Hill? ps rhyming is dumb

Jake Tapper is an ABC News Senior National Correspondent. Jake Tapper is also a blogger. Jake Tapper writes Political Punch, which is both a blog, and the imaginary name of a disgusting drink that i just imagined in my imagination.

Recently, Political Punch made the point that the "dream team" Clinton-Obama ticket that Hillary talks up is more of a fantasy team, because everybody wants to see them having sex, and becasue the chance of that happening are about the same as them sharing a ticket.

Of course, another option is to name Bill as her VP. The upside of this is that they already have experience campaigning together, and, when issues of national security dictate that Bill be in a separate, undisclosed location, he'll be just fine with that. The downside is mostly for Hillary, since I expect that Bill will find a way to have her impeached so he regain his office. That would be hot.

Obama, you're out

Here's a quote from Bill Richardson, from the Washington Post election blog.

I had just been asked a question -- I don't remember which one -- and Obama was sitting right next to me. Then the moderator went across the room, I think to Chris Dodd, so I thought I was home free for a while. I wasn't going to listen to the next question. I was about to say something to Obama when the moderator turned to me and said, 'So, Gov. Richardson, what do you think of that?' But I wasn't paying any attention! I was about to say, 'Could you repeat the question? I wasn't listening.' But I wasn't about to say I wasn't listening. I looked at Obama. I was just horrified. And Obama whispered, 'Katrina. Katrina.' The question was on Katrina! So I said, 'On Katrina, my policy . . .' Obama could have just thrown me under the bus. So I said, 'Obama, that was good of you to do that.'

I don't vote for cheaters. Or cheater enablers. Obama, you're out. You cheater. You can join Bill Richardson and Bill Clinton and all the rest of the cheaters at the back of the line.

primarily

At this point, the South Carolina Republican primary is a close race between John McCain and Mike Huckabee. With the way this election is going, the Republicans just might choose someone who is old man crazy or religious crazy enough for Hillary to win it. Another boring dynasty in the White House. Yawn.

Oh. McCain won. So we're going with crazy old man over crazy gay hating religious nut. Fun!

trivial

This idea is a good one. Forget debates. They're boring. And they only encourage pandering.

Quiz show.

all the candidates lined up, answering questions. written by me.

Rudy Giuliani- "John leaves on a train from Bluetown at 8:21 A.M. His train heads toward Redville at 30 miles per hour. If Redville is 24 miles away, what time will he get to Redville?" [Answer: 9:11]

Mick Huckabee- "If a religious man loses half of his body weight, and no God is there to care about it, is it still worth shit?"

Duncan Hunter- "Why are you wasting our time?"

John McCain - "Which war is better, Iraq or Vietnam?"

Ron Paul- "If I asked you to go away, would you?"

Mitt Romney - "What is a Mormon, really?"

Tom Tancredo - "How many wetbacks does it take to screw over our country? How about a light bulb?"

Fred Thompson - "How can I be on Law & Order?"

Guns! Iowa!

Hey! Have you heard about the Presidential Primaries? They're like the Olympics of politics, because they're every four years. But, unlike the Olympics, where every country can participate, the Presidential Primaries only happen in two states (maybe four- who the fuck knows anymore?).

According to this article, Obama and his lady say that guns are more important for Iowans, not because of hunting, but because of crime! Yes. The mean streets of rural Iowa are aflame with cow rapists and corn poachers and butter burglars and other violent offenders and maybe arabs!

So, first, let's just do away with all of those arguments on whether or not guns accomplish anything for home defense or deterrence. This guy makes the point that there are places like Philadelphia where you might have to worry a little bit more about crime, but Obama and Lady Obama are more concerned about Iowa. Because they are more worried about crime in the rural midwest. Because they hate black people.

Or, because this is pandering, which is what Presidential candidates do to those lucky-every-four-years people in Iowa. It's like they're the prom committee and Obama wants to be Queen. He'll give them any reason to like his support of Iowan gun-havers.

Really, the only non-hunting excuse Iowans should have for gun-having is that if you live in Iowa, suicide should be an option.

Lancer

Lance Armstrong's Livestrong Presidential Forum on cancer has begun. He is the most qualified person to run this, since he is a famous person who has had cancer. When we have a Presidential forum on terrorism, we will have to get someone famous who has been terrorized. Perhaps Britney Spears's children will be available. Anyway.

1: Can't we just declare John Edwards the winner of cancer. I mean he actually has a detailed health care policy, and he has that embattled wife and all, so let's give him cancer.

2: There are two camps on Lance Armstrong. Camp One is, "inspiration blah blah blah cancer, bicycling and let's forget he's been a shit to his family, and poor Sheryl Crow." I am in Camp Two. While I am sorry he had cancer, I also think he probably got it from whatever steroids he was on. As far as I can tell, every professional cyclist is doping. We just don't have the technology or the time to catch them all. Also, I'm tired of seeing his aerodynamic face, because I'm malicious and resent all those who are successful.

So, my friend sent this to me, and I laughed.

Internet Safety

The U.S. Senate has decreed that June is Internet Safety Month. I had no idea, but apparently internet bullies are a big fucking deal. Apparently, they call them “cyber-bullies.” I imagine cyber-bullies to be like the bad guys in Tron, riding those cool bikes that put up a wall behind them. Basically, the existence of internet bullies doesn’t really jive with my understanding, which is that all the people who use the internet are bespectacled wonk nerd geek assface shut-ins, and thus, the opposite of bullies. But apparently, America’s bullying community is now “online” as well, stealing people’s Paypal money, rubbing peoples faces into their keyboards, and administering Indian Sunburn/ Carpal Tunnel with brutal glee. Also check out this company Bsafe, which is using our enhanced awareness of internet safety to hawk their product. As far as I can tell, internet filters haven’t made us any safer in the past. I’m guessing this will continue to be the case in the future. But, hurray for awareness! I just hope the Senate gave this issue the debate time it needs.

you should. . . take the George Washington Memorial Parkway

At two on a Monday morning, the Parkway is desolate. Since no lamps show you the tree-lined roadway, speed will be scary. But it’s late, and you’re tired, and the fact that all you can see is trees makes you feel as if you’re in the wilderness. You play Rod Stewart to ameliorate the loneliness. Use both lanes. Really, the white lines are only important if other cars are on the road. When you pass Geogetown, you’ll remember you are not, in fact, in the wilderness. Get back in your lane, and try not to swerve as you try to glimpse the smart-looking buildings through the flicker-shutter of trees. The buildings look so bright.

You’re thinking about camping when the cop begins to follow you. You’re thinking about how, if these were real woods, and you had a tent, you would pull over your rented minivan and set up a cozy little campsite. The sirens remind you that you’re in D.C., and as the policeman reminds you that 20 miles over the speed limit is reckless driving in Virginia, try to look him in the eye. The Washington Monument is sticking out of the top of his head like a unicorn horn, and you find it quite distracting.

George Bailey

And now I'm stuck in this shameful spiral of investigating the presidential candidates no one has ever heard of.
Dr. George Bailey

“First, I am an American. Second, I am a practicing Christian. Third, I am a veteran. Fourth, I am a Cushite, Ebony, Negro, Black, and African American, who proudly embraces my ancestral heritage. Fifth, I am a former independent Democrat, and presently, I am an independent Republican. And sixth, I am my own man, free from any commitments to special interest groups who are paralyzed morally, and who hinder social-economic equity to all Americans in thought, word, and deeds.”

Currently, his blog is written in Latin. Hopefully they'll switch to a language people still speak before the primaries.

Jesus Noah Awesome

Michael Jesus Archangel has a history of self-acknowledged history of depression and paranoia, according to Politics1.com. You would think this would make him question his current belief that he is God. But, our current president also believes that God talks to him, and people seem to like him, so who am I to judge?

And one. . .

Another Also-ran from Radar: Michael Jesus Archangel

Pros: 1. In addition to campaigning, Mr. Archangel runs a private investigative agency, a cosmic bank, and a modeling agency. He may be a multitasker of Clinton’s caliber.

2. Has Jesus in his name. People love Jesus, right?

3. Has already prophesied his own victory. We might as well get on the winning team now.
Cons: 1. Has a problem with the “homosexual Satan.” This creates worry that he may be getting a lot of his policy knowledge from South Park.

2. Wears too much jewelry for a dude.

3. Attempted murder charges have been brought against him in the past. Such a firebrand might react negatively to world leaders such as Hugo Chavez.

Could be a contender. . .

Radar has this series called Meet the Also-Rans Which features presidential candidates such as Jonathon the Impaler and "White People's Candidate" John Taylor Bowles. Pros and cons of each candidate below:

Jonathon the Impaler
PRO: 1. Will command a regiment of vampires. This can only increase national security.
2. Wants to personally impale both Mike Tyson and O.J. Simpson. While perhaps more useful if done in the early 1990s, I don't think there are many people who wouldn't get behind this policy.
3. Is an impaler. Badass.

CON: 1. Is an ordained satanic priest, and thus creates separation of church/state issues.
2. May only be an effective leader at night.
3. Is Jonathon the impaler. Not quite so badass. I recommend a name change to Vlad, or even Tryone.

John Taylor Bowles
PRO: 1. Plan to lower taxes by cutting off aid to Israel. Everyone loves a tax cut.
2. Plans to end the unpopular Iraq war for the purpose of putting all troops on our southern border.
3. Is white, and thus electable.

CON: 1. Bad fashion, especially the swastikas.
2. Will probably not get the approval of the Hebrew Cabal that actually controls our country.
3. With a small grammatical change, is just a white people candidate, and thus not much different from most of the rest of the pack.