trivial

This idea is a good one. Forget debates. They're boring. And they only encourage pandering.

Quiz show.

all the candidates lined up, answering questions. written by me.

Rudy Giuliani- "John leaves on a train from Bluetown at 8:21 A.M. His train heads toward Redville at 30 miles per hour. If Redville is 24 miles away, what time will he get to Redville?" [Answer: 9:11]

Mick Huckabee- "If a religious man loses half of his body weight, and no God is there to care about it, is it still worth shit?"

Duncan Hunter- "Why are you wasting our time?"

John McCain - "Which war is better, Iraq or Vietnam?"

Ron Paul- "If I asked you to go away, would you?"

Mitt Romney - "What is a Mormon, really?"

Tom Tancredo - "How many wetbacks does it take to screw over our country? How about a light bulb?"

Fred Thompson - "How can I be on Law & Order?"

Guns! Iowa!

Hey! Have you heard about the Presidential Primaries? They're like the Olympics of politics, because they're every four years. But, unlike the Olympics, where every country can participate, the Presidential Primaries only happen in two states (maybe four- who the fuck knows anymore?).

According to this article, Obama and his lady say that guns are more important for Iowans, not because of hunting, but because of crime! Yes. The mean streets of rural Iowa are aflame with cow rapists and corn poachers and butter burglars and other violent offenders and maybe arabs!

So, first, let's just do away with all of those arguments on whether or not guns accomplish anything for home defense or deterrence. This guy makes the point that there are places like Philadelphia where you might have to worry a little bit more about crime, but Obama and Lady Obama are more concerned about Iowa. Because they are more worried about crime in the rural midwest. Because they hate black people.

Or, because this is pandering, which is what Presidential candidates do to those lucky-every-four-years people in Iowa. It's like they're the prom committee and Obama wants to be Queen. He'll give them any reason to like his support of Iowan gun-havers.

Really, the only non-hunting excuse Iowans should have for gun-having is that if you live in Iowa, suicide should be an option.

America East

I've been reading up on Pakistan, and I like what I see. First, this New York Times article says, "U.S. Secretly Aids Pakistan in Guarding Nuclear Arms" Great. That makes them partly ours, I guess.

A lot of people, including this guy and this guy and several others, seem to think we need a strong Pakistan. Me, I'm rooting for that shit to go down the tubes. That's the only way Pakistan will become available for American intervention. Unlike Iraq, they actually have WMDs that we'll have to safeguard when the country goes to shit. I want lawyers fighting Army mans and Bhutto fighting Musharraf, and Musharraf bodybuilding against any comers and Pashtuns fighting someone.

Then, we can intervene, like we like to do. And that, when linked to Afghanistan, when linked to our coming war in Iran, when linked to Iraq, will set the stage for the eventual foundation of America East.

When America East is born, it will have almost 300 million people (just like us!) and will be almost as big as India. We're always worried about the up and coming Asian powers and the stability of the region and not having jet lag for the Beijing Olympics, and America East will solve all of these programs. How much better will the outsourcing situation be when we can outsource to ourselves?

Also, oil and heroin and really good wool, all ours for the taking.
once the wars are all good and done:
Step 1: Get them to stop hating us.
Step 2: Send them KFC. (which would actually probably help with step 1)
Step 3: Elect U.S. President Junior, caliph of America East.
Step 4: Bask

sports skillz

The "Comment"section of Nov. 19s New Yorker is about Musharraf blah blah Benazir Bhutto Army Pashtun yawn.

It also has this quote, from Musharraf's book, which is also a Clint Eastwood movie or some shit, In the Line of Fire

I was fourth in cross-country, was the top gymnast, and was third in the "Mr FC College" bodybuilding competition. . .Muhammad Iqbal Butt, who had competed creditably in the Mr. Universe competition, told me at the time that I had a most muscular physique.

1. Gay. These are all sports for gays.
2. This should be the modern triathlon. I want to see General Sports Pervez Prefontaine Lou Retton Schwarzenegger step out of his track shoes, pommel horse his way across the floor program trampoline ring toss, and finish it off with some squat thrusting. Beautiful. He will still have to wear the General's uniform.
3. President to President head to head? Bring it on!
4. Ego much?
5. Oh Noes!!! I am jealous of his skillz.

Could be a contender. . .

Radar has this series called Meet the Also-Rans Which features presidential candidates such as Jonathon the Impaler and "White People's Candidate" John Taylor Bowles. Pros and cons of each candidate below:

Jonathon the Impaler
PRO: 1. Will command a regiment of vampires. This can only increase national security.
2. Wants to personally impale both Mike Tyson and O.J. Simpson. While perhaps more useful if done in the early 1990s, I don't think there are many people who wouldn't get behind this policy.
3. Is an impaler. Badass.

CON: 1. Is an ordained satanic priest, and thus creates separation of church/state issues.
2. May only be an effective leader at night.
3. Is Jonathon the impaler. Not quite so badass. I recommend a name change to Vlad, or even Tryone.

John Taylor Bowles
PRO: 1. Plan to lower taxes by cutting off aid to Israel. Everyone loves a tax cut.
2. Plans to end the unpopular Iraq war for the purpose of putting all troops on our southern border.
3. Is white, and thus electable.

CON: 1. Bad fashion, especially the swastikas.
2. Will probably not get the approval of the Hebrew Cabal that actually controls our country.
3. With a small grammatical change, is just a white people candidate, and thus not much different from most of the rest of the pack.

recreation time

Ex-president William Jefferson Clinton helped to write this New York Times crossword puzzle. Is there anything he can't do? Wonkette provides some a great screen capture and some good comments on the puzzle. I'm just wondering if we can make this some sort of presidential tradition. I would love to see George Bush's take on wordplay. If we could at least get him to develop an acrostic, connect-the-dots, color-by-number, or magic eye picture, I would be a pretty happy guy.