Obama, you're out

Here's a quote from Bill Richardson, from the Washington Post election blog.

I had just been asked a question -- I don't remember which one -- and Obama was sitting right next to me. Then the moderator went across the room, I think to Chris Dodd, so I thought I was home free for a while. I wasn't going to listen to the next question. I was about to say something to Obama when the moderator turned to me and said, 'So, Gov. Richardson, what do you think of that?' But I wasn't paying any attention! I was about to say, 'Could you repeat the question? I wasn't listening.' But I wasn't about to say I wasn't listening. I looked at Obama. I was just horrified. And Obama whispered, 'Katrina. Katrina.' The question was on Katrina! So I said, 'On Katrina, my policy . . .' Obama could have just thrown me under the bus. So I said, 'Obama, that was good of you to do that.'

I don't vote for cheaters. Or cheater enablers. Obama, you're out. You cheater. You can join Bill Richardson and Bill Clinton and all the rest of the cheaters at the back of the line.

Skymall shopping: the tracking key

When I'm flying, after my computer dies and before I've resorted to iPod listening and bleary eyed staring, I like to shop the complimentary Skymall magazine. I picked my favorite product:

Hi, it's the tracking key, a pocket sized, GPS powered spying device that records its every movement and asks the important questions:

Is my teenager speeding?
Where is my spouse going?
Where are my employees going?

And then maybe

Is my divorce lawyer fooling around during billable hours?
What do my kids do with my ex-wife?
Does their new dad take them to cooler places than I do?
Where is the best place to ambush them and kidnap my kids back?

Because if your family doesn't already hate you for your micromanaging big brother bullshit, I'm sure they will now. This stuff is only cool on the Wire.

Also, if you like the tracking key, the Skymall magazine suggests you buy some baroque style leaf prints. To assuage your crushing loneliness.

things to do: new orleans

I’m flying to New Orleans for work. It will be my first time there. My complimentary Airplane Magazine tells me I should go to Mid City Lanes Rock and Bowl. Wow. “Rock and Bowl” sounds like “Kill me now please” when I say it in my head.

Things to do instead:.
1. Have a layover in Atlanta. Stop at the Popeye’s Fried Chicken and Biscuit Restaurant.
2. Walk around some.
3. Have dinner with people you have to be nice to for professional reasons, when what you really want to do is go from person to person, providing brief summaries. Example: “pompous and bossy”
Next
“Repetitive but charming”
Next
“Self-important”
pause, don’t go on yet
“also, you wast my time”
Next
“33 year old virgin” (really)
Next
“I like you, baldy”
Next
“Sycophant, and you still travel with your teddy bear from when you were a little girl. Really?”

4. Cringe at dinner when your co-worker asks for the Famous Chef’s autograph at dinner. Refrain from lecturing the table on how you find it undignified, fawning, and pathetic. Do the same the next night when a different person waits for the autograph of the very unfamous Jazz Drummer with a much more famous brother.
5. Treadmill.
6. Eat some kind of dried food that you can’t pronounce. Find some fried pickles after that.
7. Go home.

cloverfield

Cloverfield is a movie about a giant sloth that eats Manhattan. The sloth also eats some upwardly mobile young people. According to IO9, Cloverfield is also a movie about 9/11. I agree.

primarily

At this point, the South Carolina Republican primary is a close race between John McCain and Mike Huckabee. With the way this election is going, the Republicans just might choose someone who is old man crazy or religious crazy enough for Hillary to win it. Another boring dynasty in the White House. Yawn.

Oh. McCain won. So we're going with crazy old man over crazy gay hating religious nut. Fun!

All the good ones go.

Megan (Anonymous Lobbyist) and Intern Greg were just let go from Wonkette. Which means a reduction in funny things for me to read on the internets. This may increase my productivity and decrease my happy.

orientated

New job-
10:45 - three hours in
I’m starting a new job today, which is exciting, except that I’m going through an orientation session that makes me want to disembowel myself with my complimentary pen. Also, why do people ask questions at this sort of thing? Don’t they realize they’re just extending the time we have to sit here. I could give this orientation. I could compress this 7 hour waste into 10 minutes of fun. The worst part is, they haven’t even taught me how to get online, so I can’t distract myself with the internet. I wonder if anyone would notice if I put my giant headphones on and started watching the Wire.

10:50 Employee awards – if you’re a suckup douchebag, you can get a big old certificate saying so. I’m going to get drunk during lunch. Then I can make all sorts of poor decisions about medical and retirement benefits in the afternoon. Then when I throw myself off a bridge, I’ll have no health care coverage. Ooops.

10:55 Do you know what to do if there’s an emergency? That’s right. Call 911.
10:57 And if you get stuck in an elevator, push that big red button.
11:00 I'm taking a nap

Happy New Years

I know, I know, it's a week late, but I've been busy enacting my New Year's resolution, which, for the second year running, is to be more awesome. I think I can make a go of it this time. So far, I have been quite awesome. I just need to keep it up for 359 more days. (Boo-Yea, Leap Year!)