things to do: new orleans

I’m flying to New Orleans for work. It will be my first time there. My complimentary Airplane Magazine tells me I should go to Mid City Lanes Rock and Bowl. Wow. “Rock and Bowl” sounds like “Kill me now please” when I say it in my head.

Things to do instead:.
1. Have a layover in Atlanta. Stop at the Popeye’s Fried Chicken and Biscuit Restaurant.
2. Walk around some.
3. Have dinner with people you have to be nice to for professional reasons, when what you really want to do is go from person to person, providing brief summaries. Example: “pompous and bossy”
Next
“Repetitive but charming”
Next
“Self-important”
pause, don’t go on yet
“also, you wast my time”
Next
“33 year old virgin” (really)
Next
“I like you, baldy”
Next
“Sycophant, and you still travel with your teddy bear from when you were a little girl. Really?”

4. Cringe at dinner when your co-worker asks for the Famous Chef’s autograph at dinner. Refrain from lecturing the table on how you find it undignified, fawning, and pathetic. Do the same the next night when a different person waits for the autograph of the very unfamous Jazz Drummer with a much more famous brother.
5. Treadmill.
6. Eat some kind of dried food that you can’t pronounce. Find some fried pickles after that.
7. Go home.

I hate my friends

Many of my friends are currently in China for a wedding. I am not. I have to work. This makes me jealous. This morning they called from China, at some unforgivably early hour. I didn't pick up, but on my machine, they said:

Lynne: Marcel . . .Marcel. . Fuck you for not picking up your goddamn phone!
Al: Fuck you!
Liz: [laughter]
Lynne: Fuck you, man! I don't care if it's 6:55 A.M. in the morning, we're calling you from China!
Al: China!
Lynne: China!
Liz: China. China!
[pause]
Lynne: Yeah. . .we're all soaking wet, but we had a good time.
Al: That's how we travel. . .wet.
Lynne: Yeah, we're soaking wet. Somebody pushed someone in the pool who pushed someone else in the pool.
Al: Who pushed who in the pool. . .who pushed who?
Lynne: Who pushed someone in the pool. I don't know! I wasn't involved.

Alright, I'm going to hang up and call you back again. . .Fuck you for not answering the phone.

They called back a minute later:

Lynne: Marcel, my feelings are so hurt, I can't believe you didn't answer the phone.
Al: My feelings are hurt, too.
Lynne: Man, we're calling you from China!
Liz: China!
Lynne: China!
Al: China!
Liz: China!
Lynne: China!
[pause]
Al: Fuck you!
Lynne: Fuck you!
Liz: Fuck you!
Why won't you answer the phone? What are you, sleeping? We're calling you from China!
Liz: Chiiiiinnnnnaaa!
Al: We're wet. We're not wasted.
Lynne: We're awesome.
Liz: We're wasted, not wet.
Lynne: And we're wasted. And awesome! And we're calling you from China.
Liz: Chinaaaaa!
Al: China!
Al: Fuck you!
Lynne: Why won't you answer the phone?

That's like, 8 Fuck Yous and 16 Chinas in two minutes. Also, "6:55 AM in the morning"?
I hate my friends.