you should. . .see Blades of Glory

Because it's comfortably humorous. Coach plays Coach. Napoleon Dynamit plays Napoleon Dynamite. Gob Bluth the magician plays Gob Bluth the figure skater. Will Ferrell . . .

and Jenna Fischer is adorable.

Adorable.

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day five

Dear co-workers,
I just wanted you all to know that today, you can feel less envious of my Herculean work ethic. Due to a late, maudlin, night and a long walk across Boulder, I am resting.
Also, I have to go watch a silly ice skating movie.

I will resume impressing you all with my feats of industrious on Monday.
That is all,
Marcel Parcells

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day four

Hello all,
I just spent a long while extracting a squirrel form my living room. He woke me up by turning the stereo on.
Squirrels like Lou Reed.
I am exhausted now, and won’t be going into work, just like the rest of you fucks.

later that day . . .from the boss to the office

Subject: model workers
I just wanted to note how nice it is to see Marcel Parcells and Miranda hard at work here at the office while everyone else is on vacation, working long hours and bringing me lattes. Marcel cleaned out the boiler in the basement Miranda reinsulated the attic. Your efforts are models of the ideal employees, and a paragon for other, lesser individuals, to live up to ...

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day three

Hello truants,

You know how in zombie movies, there's always some scene at the end when the survivors emerge from the basement/ bar/ treehouse they've been hiding in, and they survey the wreckage of their formerly peaceful town? The streets are empty. Debris and dead bodies cover all surfaces. Usually, there are cars gushing radiator fluid, maybe a fence swinging in the wind, stains all over the pavement, and newspapers blowing everywhere.

Sometimes there will be a lonely old man or some shit picking his way down the street. His clothes will be in tatters and he'll have a glassy look in his eye (grey five o'clock shadow, maybe). He's the only other survivor in view, but the intrepid band of heroes will never know his harrowing story. He ambles by, kicking through some loose trash and weakly calling the name of his missing wife/son/dog.

By the time you all return to work, I will resemble that old man.

Marcel Parcells

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day 2

Dear Branson, Gilberte, and Miranda
Shali didn’t show up to work today either. Like the rest of you, she is dead to me.

Today I didn’t have caffeine until 4:30 p.m. So, I spent most of the morning and afternoon staring at the wall. I got worried for a while, thinking about Clay Aiken. I hope to God I look nothing like Clay Aiken.

I saw a girl with a handbag that said “I Hate People” on it. I approved silently, and kind of wanted to have it. I thought about how I should mug her for it, just to reinforce her beliefs.

The secretary left early.

I had to mail some stuff. It seemed too difficult to handle, despite the fact that the envelopes were addressed and stamped. Perhaps it will get done tomorrow.

But, I did go to the ice cream shop, where I had espresso and ice cream. So, suck it!

yours, Marcel Parcells

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day 1

Dear Branson and Gilberte ,
We just wanted you to know how little you are missing in being away from work this week.

Today began with a trip to an empty starbucks. The lack of a line made our turn around time too quick. We needed to stall. Miranda tried to kill some extra time by quizzing the baristas on the quirkiest coffee demands they've received. They used some coffee terminologies we can't even begin to reproduce. Miranda tried to look sad because she wanted some kind of depression discount. I just wanted a mocha.

Our drinks were effeminate and delicious.

We spent a long time trying to plan Perry's going away party. We have the event's location down to either the Guwertz's mansion, the Sunset Saloon, or Beers Bowling and Billiards. This process took a long time.

We tried to figure out why it was colder inside than outside. The mystery remains unsolved.

We talked about work for 20 minutes. This made us feel intelligent. It also helped me to realize that my project is interesting, and Miranda's is not.

We made some shit up about you two.

We spent a long time planning, and looking forward to, a trip to the bank. We waited until four for this expedition. It was tough to hold off for so long.

The we went to the bank. It was awesome!!
The End. We hate you guys.

looking forward to tomorrow,
Marcel Parcells and Miranda

main stream mediocre

This Boston Globe article is great. It falls into that so significant class of articles posing the question,
"Hey, have you heard about all of this technology stuff people are using?"
Fucking inconsequential.

lexicography

Gilberte: I hate work.
Marcel Parcells: That’s for shurtain.
Gilberte: yeah. . .
Marcel: Did you hear that? Check it out. I just invented a word.
Gilberte: What, shurtain? What does it mean?
Marcel: You know, like sure and certain. . .
Gilberte: It has to mean something new to be a new word. Otherwise it’s useless.
Marcel: No, I’m increasing the richness and diversity of the English language.
Gilberte: Useless.
Marcel: Fuck you.

you should. . .take that back

Really, cool out. Take it back; you'll recover. Read the I Ching, or whatever hippy shit makes you feel like life is alright.

you should. . .hurt till your fetal

Yeah, so, this is pretty easy to do. Here’s how it goes. All you have to do is find something you really want. It can be anything, but you have to be serious about it. A relationship, money, that job in that nice office, a pet goat, whatever. After you’ve found your something, you need to make a little progress towards obtaining that thing. Be able to envision the eventual attainment of your goal. Daydream about it. In your minds-eye you should envision the progress you will need to make in the next week. Thing about how small achievements will begin to get the ball rolling. After this you can expand your timescale. See your success and happiness in a few months, next year, the year after. . . soon you’ll be seeing the satisfactory fulfillment of all of your goals, and this will all be due to your actions in the next few days. You will see obstacles as well, but these are just there to make the story richer; they make your achievements more notable.

Next, make the small steps, this inching progress that sets you on your path. Once you’ve done these things, you’ll know you’re on your way now. Happiness is virtually ensured. Sure, you’ll have your concerns, but really, they’re only for the sake of propriety. You can feel free to assume a life of bliss.

Wait a short while.

Next, listen as horror as she calls you to tell you she won’t make it; she’s going back to her boyfriend.

Read portent into all of her actions, even the ones you previously thought were guaranteeing your happiness. You’ll realize it was doomed from the beginning. They all are.

Squeeze out some tears. Realize that your life is shit.

Assume the fetal position. You will never break the horses you thought you were going to break.

Expectation’s a bitch, yes?

biases schmiases!

Hey, this is somewhat entertaining!
Admittedly, I do find this stuff funny, these Fox News-y screen shots with their oh so conservative biases. Like, hey, did you know civil war in Iraq could be a good thing? Haha. Civil War kicks ass, just like in the Guns-N-Roses song.

But I'm more impressed with this little investigation because of the light it has thrown on our supposedly "unbiased" media. Did you know Fox News had a slightly conservative bend to it? Did you know that the guy in charge, Rupert Everett, is some kind of Republican? Yeah, and not one of those Republicans who is happy to let Democrats do and say what they want, but one who tries to use his power to alter people's opinions! Just like the Dixie Chicks! Except much much wronger.

Me, I'm going back to my little Salon and New York Times Echo chamber. It's safer there.

reverse psychology

According to Atrios, one of the main reasons people might not read a blog is because. . .

A sizable chunk of your content involves complaining about people not reading or linking to you. There's an audience for this, but the territory is rather overcovered in the blogosphere.

Which is like, this sick positive feedback thing. You don't get read so you get sad, so you complain, and no one likes a complainer (the squeaky wheel gets a fuck off) and so you get less viewers and it continues until it's just you and your computer out there and you might as well be looking at pornography rather than wasting your time dropping your sucky platitudes like milliliters of pee into the metropolis-sized sewage tube that is the internet. Also, it's the way it should be.

So me, I use reverse psychology. I'm all like, don't read my blog, fuckers, I didn't want you anyway. Also, my blog sucks ass, so you wouldn't like it even if I did want you here.

you should . . . rent the fistful of dollars trilogy

Actually, I know almost nothing about these, except that they star Clint Eastwood, and he is "the man with no name." But, they are spaghetti westerns, which sounds delicious. And Clint Eastwood is in them. I haven't seen any of his westerns, but Million Dollar baby was good, right? I haven't actually seen that either, but In the Line of Fire, when he's got a head cold and is all tired because he's an old man Secret Service agent? That was funny stuff. It's too bad John Malkovich isn't in more westerns.

sad faces

I'm Mad as Hell and I'm Not Going to Take It Anymore, and I'm Totally Diggin It

was the headline of this newsweek article. The article is actually fine. It discusses how conservatives are all walking around with sad faces on due to the fact that the have no leadership and everyone hates them and the democrats are hogging all the good legislation. They had quotes from a "legendary direct mailer" (this is slightly above being a legendary telemarketer), Phyllis Schafly, and some guy wearing a dolphin mask, all talking about how sad they are. So, that's fine.

But I'm wondering, what's with that goddamn title. It's ridiculously long, and after the Mad as Hell thing, doesn't even apply to the situation being discussed in the article. Fuck you, Newsweek. Your just misusing some quotes or catchphrase or whatever, and I find it unacceptable. (Sad Face)