cloverfield

Cloverfield is a movie about a giant sloth that eats Manhattan. The sloth also eats some upwardly mobile young people. According to IO9, Cloverfield is also a movie about 9/11. I agree.

Michael Cera is acting my life

According to Variety,

Michael Cera has joined the cast of Youth in Revolt, for which the

Story revolves around the adventures of a teenager who meets the girl of his dreams while on a family vacation and turns his life upside down in order to be with her.

Just substitute "29 year old" for "teenager", "lonely" for "family", "wallet" for "life", and "bottle of Tennessee Bourbon of his dreams" for "girl of his dreams."

Oh, and "it" for "her," if we're going to be grammatically scrupulous.

you should . . . see the Sea Inside

Last week I went to Cape Cod. I was swimming in the ocean and diving off rocks until I hit the rocky bottom with my face. It hurt and I bled a lot in the, "oh shit I know as soon as I resurface there is going to be red blood pouring off my eyebrow and into the water and it's going to look like fucking Jaws so I should start screaming like I got bit but my head hurts too much for that," sort of way. My friends have a baby, and I sat on the beach for a long time with one of its (clean) diaper pressed to my forehead. We debated the merits of stitches, but I didn't want to leave the beach, so I found a band aid and went off to play frisbee.

Today i watched the Sea Inside, because it is also about a guy who dives into the water and hits his head. He ends up paralyzed for life, wants to die in a "please just kill me already," sort of way for thirty years, then he finds a woman who loves him enough to do the deed. So. . .there's that. Basically, it left me feeling like sort of a whiny dick for spending the whole week worrying about the little scar on my forehead. Also, it depressed me that this quadriplegic guy was still able to get two women to fall in love with him, which is two more than I've got. But that's me. I'm kind of a dick.

you should. . .go see Transformers

I mean, I wanted to see it so badly that I went and saw Harry Potter instead. I'm willing to buy teenage magicians living among us, but alien robots that look like Volkswagons? No.

things I have learned from Judd Apatow

I like Judd Apatow's work. I have learned from him.
Here is what I have learned from The 40 Year Old Virgin:
1. It's never too late to have sex with Catherine Keener.
2. As pathetic as I become, I may still get to have sex with Catherine Keener.
3. Electronics salesmen get way more ass than I do.
4. Sex is a beautiful thing when done with the person you love. Otherwise, it is scary.
5. I cry at tender moments.
6. Romany Malco, Seth Rogan, and Paul Rudd all have hairy chests. And are wonderful dancers.

Here is what I have learned from Knocked Up:
1. Even if become a fat unemployed drunkard, I may still get to have sex with Katherine Heigl.
2. Munich is a cool movie because of its badass Jews.
3. Unemployed stoners get way more ass than I do.
4. Unprotected drunken sex is a beautiful thing when it leads to babies, love.
5. I still cry at tender moments.
6. Drugs are cool for single guys, and for committed guys only when it leads to self-revelation.

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day five

Dear co-workers,
I just wanted you all to know that today, you can feel less envious of my Herculean work ethic. Due to a late, maudlin, night and a long walk across Boulder, I am resting.
Also, I have to go watch a silly ice skating movie.

I will resume impressing you all with my feats of industrious on Monday.
That is all,
Marcel Parcells