letters to vacationing co-workers week, day five

Dear co-workers,
I just wanted you all to know that today, you can feel less envious of my Herculean work ethic. Due to a late, maudlin, night and a long walk across Boulder, I am resting.
Also, I have to go watch a silly ice skating movie.

I will resume impressing you all with my feats of industrious on Monday.
That is all,
Marcel Parcells

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day four

Hello all,
I just spent a long while extracting a squirrel form my living room. He woke me up by turning the stereo on.
Squirrels like Lou Reed.
I am exhausted now, and won’t be going into work, just like the rest of you fucks.

later that day . . .from the boss to the office

Subject: model workers
I just wanted to note how nice it is to see Marcel Parcells and Miranda hard at work here at the office while everyone else is on vacation, working long hours and bringing me lattes. Marcel cleaned out the boiler in the basement Miranda reinsulated the attic. Your efforts are models of the ideal employees, and a paragon for other, lesser individuals, to live up to ...

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day three

Hello truants,

You know how in zombie movies, there's always some scene at the end when the survivors emerge from the basement/ bar/ treehouse they've been hiding in, and they survey the wreckage of their formerly peaceful town? The streets are empty. Debris and dead bodies cover all surfaces. Usually, there are cars gushing radiator fluid, maybe a fence swinging in the wind, stains all over the pavement, and newspapers blowing everywhere.

Sometimes there will be a lonely old man or some shit picking his way down the street. His clothes will be in tatters and he'll have a glassy look in his eye (grey five o'clock shadow, maybe). He's the only other survivor in view, but the intrepid band of heroes will never know his harrowing story. He ambles by, kicking through some loose trash and weakly calling the name of his missing wife/son/dog.

By the time you all return to work, I will resemble that old man.

Marcel Parcells

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day 2

Dear Branson, Gilberte, and Miranda
Shali didn’t show up to work today either. Like the rest of you, she is dead to me.

Today I didn’t have caffeine until 4:30 p.m. So, I spent most of the morning and afternoon staring at the wall. I got worried for a while, thinking about Clay Aiken. I hope to God I look nothing like Clay Aiken.

I saw a girl with a handbag that said “I Hate People” on it. I approved silently, and kind of wanted to have it. I thought about how I should mug her for it, just to reinforce her beliefs.

The secretary left early.

I had to mail some stuff. It seemed too difficult to handle, despite the fact that the envelopes were addressed and stamped. Perhaps it will get done tomorrow.

But, I did go to the ice cream shop, where I had espresso and ice cream. So, suck it!

yours, Marcel Parcells

letters to vacationing co-workers week, day 1

Dear Branson and Gilberte ,
We just wanted you to know how little you are missing in being away from work this week.

Today began with a trip to an empty starbucks. The lack of a line made our turn around time too quick. We needed to stall. Miranda tried to kill some extra time by quizzing the baristas on the quirkiest coffee demands they've received. They used some coffee terminologies we can't even begin to reproduce. Miranda tried to look sad because she wanted some kind of depression discount. I just wanted a mocha.

Our drinks were effeminate and delicious.

We spent a long time trying to plan Perry's going away party. We have the event's location down to either the Guwertz's mansion, the Sunset Saloon, or Beers Bowling and Billiards. This process took a long time.

We tried to figure out why it was colder inside than outside. The mystery remains unsolved.

We talked about work for 20 minutes. This made us feel intelligent. It also helped me to realize that my project is interesting, and Miranda's is not.

We made some shit up about you two.

We spent a long time planning, and looking forward to, a trip to the bank. We waited until four for this expedition. It was tough to hold off for so long.

The we went to the bank. It was awesome!!
The End. We hate you guys.

looking forward to tomorrow,
Marcel Parcells and Miranda