the War on Babies

So. . .

Obama and Clinton Brace For a Long-Distance Run

If Clinton had gone for the baby vote, like I told her to, this would be over by now. She could be resting on her laurels for a little while, having some cuddle time with Bill, and gearing up for the next race, against John McCain.

By the time a Democrat actually gets a nomination and then, maybe, to the Whitehouse, he or she is going to be too exhausted to lead effectively (ok, they're Democrats, so they probably wouldn't have led effectively as it is). There's going to be some George W. Bush style month long vacationing on the schedule for next January 21 to April 30, and then it will be time to run for reelection.

Will Bill Shill for Hill? ps rhyming is dumb

Jake Tapper is an ABC News Senior National Correspondent. Jake Tapper is also a blogger. Jake Tapper writes Political Punch, which is both a blog, and the imaginary name of a disgusting drink that i just imagined in my imagination.

Recently, Political Punch made the point that the "dream team" Clinton-Obama ticket that Hillary talks up is more of a fantasy team, because everybody wants to see them having sex, and becasue the chance of that happening are about the same as them sharing a ticket.

Of course, another option is to name Bill as her VP. The upside of this is that they already have experience campaigning together, and, when issues of national security dictate that Bill be in a separate, undisclosed location, he'll be just fine with that. The downside is mostly for Hillary, since I expect that Bill will find a way to have her impeached so he regain his office. That would be hot.

I can predict the New York Times

America East is catching on. One day after I decided America East was the greatest idea since America I, the New York times did, too!

They said that "we need to think" about "military options" so that we can help "stabilize" Pakistan. I read that as taking the country over so we can build our Asian paradise. First we'll go get their nukes, and then we will let them have Bee Movie, and then we will wallow in pit full of Pakistani happiness and American Dreams.

America East

I've been reading up on Pakistan, and I like what I see. First, this New York Times article says, "U.S. Secretly Aids Pakistan in Guarding Nuclear Arms" Great. That makes them partly ours, I guess.

A lot of people, including this guy and this guy and several others, seem to think we need a strong Pakistan. Me, I'm rooting for that shit to go down the tubes. That's the only way Pakistan will become available for American intervention. Unlike Iraq, they actually have WMDs that we'll have to safeguard when the country goes to shit. I want lawyers fighting Army mans and Bhutto fighting Musharraf, and Musharraf bodybuilding against any comers and Pashtuns fighting someone.

Then, we can intervene, like we like to do. And that, when linked to Afghanistan, when linked to our coming war in Iran, when linked to Iraq, will set the stage for the eventual foundation of America East.

When America East is born, it will have almost 300 million people (just like us!) and will be almost as big as India. We're always worried about the up and coming Asian powers and the stability of the region and not having jet lag for the Beijing Olympics, and America East will solve all of these programs. How much better will the outsourcing situation be when we can outsource to ourselves?

Also, oil and heroin and really good wool, all ours for the taking.
once the wars are all good and done:
Step 1: Get them to stop hating us.
Step 2: Send them KFC. (which would actually probably help with step 1)
Step 3: Elect U.S. President Junior, caliph of America East.
Step 4: Bask

Terrorism

I never really go into describing my experience on September 11, since these stories are usually banal or trite, and a lot of people had days that were much shittier than mine.

But, after that shitty day, I had my friend Charlie over for dinner. We only had a couple glasses of wine, but after dinner, Charlie was vomiting all over the place. There were stains on my rug and couch.

Charlie hadn't had much to drink, and the food was fine for everyone else. He blamed the terrorists for the vomit.

So, that's two scores I have to settle with you, Bin Laden.

Internet Safety

The U.S. Senate has decreed that June is Internet Safety Month. I had no idea, but apparently internet bullies are a big fucking deal. Apparently, they call them “cyber-bullies.” I imagine cyber-bullies to be like the bad guys in Tron, riding those cool bikes that put up a wall behind them. Basically, the existence of internet bullies doesn’t really jive with my understanding, which is that all the people who use the internet are bespectacled wonk nerd geek assface shut-ins, and thus, the opposite of bullies. But apparently, America’s bullying community is now “online” as well, stealing people’s Paypal money, rubbing peoples faces into their keyboards, and administering Indian Sunburn/ Carpal Tunnel with brutal glee. Also check out this company Bsafe, which is using our enhanced awareness of internet safety to hawk their product. As far as I can tell, internet filters haven’t made us any safer in the past. I’m guessing this will continue to be the case in the future. But, hurray for awareness! I just hope the Senate gave this issue the debate time it needs.

Terror Time!

Are we safe from animal lovers? No. Just look at the way they're always keeping pit bulls alive, defending the rights of mountain lions, and not letting me eat the Filet-O-Fish sandwiches I need to survive.
Are animal lovers terrorists? No. They are not to be feared. I am not afraid of their weak vegan arms, their pleather shitkicking boots, or their "let's save the shit out of every living thing" attitude.
So, yes, Caroline Paul (ha ha, two differently gendered first names) is correct in defending her(?) arsonist brother from charges of terrorism. However, this is not so much news, or an opinion I need to hear. Our government has consistently overreacted to everything (except of course, that initial terrorist threat and the guy behind it) since sometime in the fall of 2001. Remember freedom fries? Remember "if you're not with us, you're with the terrorists"? OH! Remember WMDs and the many linkages between Al Qaeda and Saddam. I say it's time to get over this whole, "the Bush Administration said this, which is kind fo an exaggeration," and deal with the real problems, like what TV are we going to watch this summer, which presidential candidate does the second-best job of talking to black people, and how am I going to get in her pants?

Ambassador Imus?

This here, titled, "Bling Diplomacy", is about 50 Cent's ambassadorial tour of Africa. He appears to be a far cry from Bono. here's a quote from an embassy staffer:

According to people in my agency who attended this event, he didn’t rap but after meeting our Ambassador he urged the kids “Have sex, have lots of sex, but have safe sex!” and then exited by having his bouncers throw $100 bills in the crowd… No kidding–one Embassy maintenance worker scored two of them.

If this is the new trend in our efforts abroad, we can soon expect to see Don Imus making his own tour, teaching those "nappy-headed hos" the ways of the world.