Viagra, blood pressure, and money

I have to give a VERY IMPORTANT PRESENTATION in a couple of weeks, and hey, I'm a little nervous about it. Normally I can get up in front of people and ramble like a motherfucker without worry. My overweened sense of superiority lets me feel ok in front of almost any audience. But this talk has significant CONSEQUENCES, and I'm a little bit worried. Since I was going to be nervous anyway, I figured I might as well go for full on flopsweating, pantswetting, quavering terror. Also, money!

I've been asking my friends how much they would pay me to pop two Viagra right before the talk. I find the image of myself standing up in front of a Powerpoint screen with the most persistent erection of my life a little bit amusing (and a lot mortifying). I thought this would be a big draw, but apparently, my friends who will be in the audience were more uncomfortable with having to watch this display than I would be with doing it.
The only taker was EricIsDerek. But he wanted me to wear pants identical to the ones David Bowie wears in Labyrinth (bulgy!). Even if it wasn't already embarrassing, no. Never, The physical discomfort alone- it would be like wearing a tiny condom made of hate.

Travel Guide: Tennessee

I felt bad for having fun at the expense of the South the other day. It was like that line about t-shirts as formal wear was beneath me. Perhaps not beneath Jeff Foxworthy, but beneath me. Then, I was driving across Tennessee, and I saw a billboard for a lawyer. It was one of those, “Need help? Call Jeff Sims!” type of deals. I did a double take, you know, because Jeff Sims was wearing a black t-shirt in his lawyering add. So, my little formal wear joke: Not funny. Not clever. But true.

Then I forgot about being nice as my obvious superiority to everyone around me became evident to myself. I drove a portion of the ride with my sister. As I came out of a rest area in Oklahoma, it was like,
Marcel Parcells: You know, we’re the most attractive people in this state.
Marcy Parcells: (laughs) It’s true. Actually, its been true since we entered Virginia. What made you say that right now?
Marcel Parcells: Oh, there was this old lady in the rest area. She only had one arm, and her nub was nasty.
Marcy Parcells: . . .

Ten minutes pass.

Marcy Parcells is watching a couple in an adjoining car. I can’t see what they’re doing, but she turns to me, “We’re also the coolest people in the state.”
Marcel Parcells: Yup.