Viagra, blood pressure, and money

I have to give a VERY IMPORTANT PRESENTATION in a couple of weeks, and hey, I'm a little nervous about it. Normally I can get up in front of people and ramble like a motherfucker without worry. My overweened sense of superiority lets me feel ok in front of almost any audience. But this talk has significant CONSEQUENCES, and I'm a little bit worried. Since I was going to be nervous anyway, I figured I might as well go for full on flopsweating, pantswetting, quavering terror. Also, money!

I've been asking my friends how much they would pay me to pop two Viagra right before the talk. I find the image of myself standing up in front of a Powerpoint screen with the most persistent erection of my life a little bit amusing (and a lot mortifying). I thought this would be a big draw, but apparently, my friends who will be in the audience were more uncomfortable with having to watch this display than I would be with doing it.
The only taker was EricIsDerek. But he wanted me to wear pants identical to the ones David Bowie wears in Labyrinth (bulgy!). Even if it wasn't already embarrassing, no. Never, The physical discomfort alone- it would be like wearing a tiny condom made of hate.