you should. . .take note of fried foods

I just went to a wedding in Columbus, Ohio. Being the Eastern elitist that I am, I had kind of assumed that everyone would be superfat there, that I'd feel like an anorexic eel swimming in a see of blowfish. My hopes went up when the plane I took from Boston had these super wide seats. It was like the whole plane was first class seats, two to a row. And I thought to myself, "You know, this must be for the fatties."

A stewardess explained to me that we were on a charter plane that was usually used by a basketball team. I felt let down.

In the Midwestern airports and the Midwestern restaurants, I looked for fat people and fried food. I expected to be able to chronicle a bizarre medley of fried food unheard of in Boston, like fried pickles, fried cheese, fried sausage, and donuts that had been fried, then breaded, then fried again. I was let down again. I did see one enormous man with a grocery bag full of cheese curds, but they weren't even fried. Also, the people weren't nearly as fat as I wanted them to be. How am I supposed to feel superior to the people in the Midwest if they won't show up with glaring shortcomings?