i'm moving

http://parcells.tumblr.com/

you should go get an energy drink

I know you've already had your coffee, but you like how it makes you feel like you're vibrating. You don't like the way it makes you feel like your teeth are rotting while you drink it, but so it goes. After you're done, eat some sushi, and invite 50 people to watch you shower, so that you can teach them about water conservation (bottom half one day, top the next!). Make sure one of them is willing to hold your loufa.

Animal welfare

I've always wondered how they test whether a shelter animal is good with other animals and children. Do they just through a cat (or baby) into the pen and see if the dog tears it apart. Because that's how I'd do it. A five year old would have had to die to get Shep out on the market.

Longmont Humane Society

Date Night

My idea of a perfect date night with myself is 1 bottle of Moet & Chandon, a Red Baron frozen pan pizza with Ranch dressing drizzled over it, and several episodes of the Gilmore Girls (preferably early seasons, before they both turned into bitches).

elitism

Ryeman: Are you going to that free event?
Marcel Parcells: No
Ryeman: Why not? It's free.
Marcel Parcells: That's why. I don't go anywhere they let poor people in. Not exclusive enough.

the War on Babies

So. . .

Obama and Clinton Brace For a Long-Distance Run

If Clinton had gone for the baby vote, like I told her to, this would be over by now. She could be resting on her laurels for a little while, having some cuddle time with Bill, and gearing up for the next race, against John McCain.

By the time a Democrat actually gets a nomination and then, maybe, to the Whitehouse, he or she is going to be too exhausted to lead effectively (ok, they're Democrats, so they probably wouldn't have led effectively as it is). There's going to be some George W. Bush style month long vacationing on the schedule for next January 21 to April 30, and then it will be time to run for reelection.

super duper

Well, it's super Tuesday. Yay votes.
If you're a racist sexist member of the Democratic party, good luck. I suggest you vote for Hillary, since white women have the ability to make more white men. If you're not racist or sexist, vote for Obama, because he's got nice teeth, and that works when judging horses, right?

Right now, Huckabee's winning in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Missouri, Tennessee and West Virginia. Yup, he's definitely got the backwards nutjob vote locked up.

Obama's got Connecticut, now. That whole idea that he can only win in black states is out the window. So, the good news is that, when a whole state votes for a half-white man, he can still win with 50% of the vote. That's the math, right?

babies for hillary

Hillary Clinton cried again today, which makes her a tired crybaby faker passionate feeling committed fragile crying crier. You know what constituency is really big on crying?

Infants.

Yes. Hillary now has the baby vote locked up. The elusive baby vote, millions strong, but as of yet uncommitted to a candidate. Until now they were torn between Obama's reassuring smile , Hillary's delicious mammaries, and Dennis Kucinich's tiny baby body. But now they have someone who they can relate to, someone who can communicate with. A crier.

If the babies can get their mommies to bring them to the polls, hold them up to the ballot box, check off the box for Hillary, change their diapers, and amend the constitution to allow babies to vote, I predict a big win for Hillary. If not, well, at least she's got the wussy vote. Wussies love crying, too.

p.s. It has also been noted (by Greg Wasserstrom at Cynics Party) that Hillary was showing poor judgment by wearing her yellow jacket today. Maybe she wasn't crying, maybe it hurts her eyes too.

Will Bill Shill for Hill? ps rhyming is dumb

Jake Tapper is an ABC News Senior National Correspondent. Jake Tapper is also a blogger. Jake Tapper writes Political Punch, which is both a blog, and the imaginary name of a disgusting drink that i just imagined in my imagination.

Recently, Political Punch made the point that the "dream team" Clinton-Obama ticket that Hillary talks up is more of a fantasy team, because everybody wants to see them having sex, and becasue the chance of that happening are about the same as them sharing a ticket.

Of course, another option is to name Bill as her VP. The upside of this is that they already have experience campaigning together, and, when issues of national security dictate that Bill be in a separate, undisclosed location, he'll be just fine with that. The downside is mostly for Hillary, since I expect that Bill will find a way to have her impeached so he regain his office. That would be hot.

Obama, you're out

Here's a quote from Bill Richardson, from the Washington Post election blog.

I had just been asked a question -- I don't remember which one -- and Obama was sitting right next to me. Then the moderator went across the room, I think to Chris Dodd, so I thought I was home free for a while. I wasn't going to listen to the next question. I was about to say something to Obama when the moderator turned to me and said, 'So, Gov. Richardson, what do you think of that?' But I wasn't paying any attention! I was about to say, 'Could you repeat the question? I wasn't listening.' But I wasn't about to say I wasn't listening. I looked at Obama. I was just horrified. And Obama whispered, 'Katrina. Katrina.' The question was on Katrina! So I said, 'On Katrina, my policy . . .' Obama could have just thrown me under the bus. So I said, 'Obama, that was good of you to do that.'

I don't vote for cheaters. Or cheater enablers. Obama, you're out. You cheater. You can join Bill Richardson and Bill Clinton and all the rest of the cheaters at the back of the line.

Skymall shopping: the tracking key

When I'm flying, after my computer dies and before I've resorted to iPod listening and bleary eyed staring, I like to shop the complimentary Skymall magazine. I picked my favorite product:

Hi, it's the tracking key, a pocket sized, GPS powered spying device that records its every movement and asks the important questions:

Is my teenager speeding?
Where is my spouse going?
Where are my employees going?

And then maybe

Is my divorce lawyer fooling around during billable hours?
What do my kids do with my ex-wife?
Does their new dad take them to cooler places than I do?
Where is the best place to ambush them and kidnap my kids back?

Because if your family doesn't already hate you for your micromanaging big brother bullshit, I'm sure they will now. This stuff is only cool on the Wire.

Also, if you like the tracking key, the Skymall magazine suggests you buy some baroque style leaf prints. To assuage your crushing loneliness.

things to do: new orleans

I’m flying to New Orleans for work. It will be my first time there. My complimentary Airplane Magazine tells me I should go to Mid City Lanes Rock and Bowl. Wow. “Rock and Bowl” sounds like “Kill me now please” when I say it in my head.

Things to do instead:.
1. Have a layover in Atlanta. Stop at the Popeye’s Fried Chicken and Biscuit Restaurant.
2. Walk around some.
3. Have dinner with people you have to be nice to for professional reasons, when what you really want to do is go from person to person, providing brief summaries. Example: “pompous and bossy”
Next
“Repetitive but charming”
Next
“Self-important”
pause, don’t go on yet
“also, you wast my time”
Next
“33 year old virgin” (really)
Next
“I like you, baldy”
Next
“Sycophant, and you still travel with your teddy bear from when you were a little girl. Really?”

4. Cringe at dinner when your co-worker asks for the Famous Chef’s autograph at dinner. Refrain from lecturing the table on how you find it undignified, fawning, and pathetic. Do the same the next night when a different person waits for the autograph of the very unfamous Jazz Drummer with a much more famous brother.
5. Treadmill.
6. Eat some kind of dried food that you can’t pronounce. Find some fried pickles after that.
7. Go home.

cloverfield

Cloverfield is a movie about a giant sloth that eats Manhattan. The sloth also eats some upwardly mobile young people. According to IO9, Cloverfield is also a movie about 9/11. I agree.

primarily

At this point, the South Carolina Republican primary is a close race between John McCain and Mike Huckabee. With the way this election is going, the Republicans just might choose someone who is old man crazy or religious crazy enough for Hillary to win it. Another boring dynasty in the White House. Yawn.

Oh. McCain won. So we're going with crazy old man over crazy gay hating religious nut. Fun!

All the good ones go.

Megan (Anonymous Lobbyist) and Intern Greg were just let go from Wonkette. Which means a reduction in funny things for me to read on the internets. This may increase my productivity and decrease my happy.

orientated

New job-
10:45 - three hours in
I’m starting a new job today, which is exciting, except that I’m going through an orientation session that makes me want to disembowel myself with my complimentary pen. Also, why do people ask questions at this sort of thing? Don’t they realize they’re just extending the time we have to sit here. I could give this orientation. I could compress this 7 hour waste into 10 minutes of fun. The worst part is, they haven’t even taught me how to get online, so I can’t distract myself with the internet. I wonder if anyone would notice if I put my giant headphones on and started watching the Wire.

10:50 Employee awards – if you’re a suckup douchebag, you can get a big old certificate saying so. I’m going to get drunk during lunch. Then I can make all sorts of poor decisions about medical and retirement benefits in the afternoon. Then when I throw myself off a bridge, I’ll have no health care coverage. Ooops.

10:55 Do you know what to do if there’s an emergency? That’s right. Call 911.
10:57 And if you get stuck in an elevator, push that big red button.
11:00 I'm taking a nap

Happy New Years

I know, I know, it's a week late, but I've been busy enacting my New Year's resolution, which, for the second year running, is to be more awesome. I think I can make a go of it this time. So far, I have been quite awesome. I just need to keep it up for 359 more days. (Boo-Yea, Leap Year!)

Never forget!

airport

I am in an airport right now, which is the place where I feel most superior to the rest of humanity. I especially feel this way during holiday travel, when all of the people who don't really understand how to use an airport come out of the woodwork. I feel so superior, that I'd like to wear a t-shirt that just says "AWESOME" across the chest. Or, if I could borrow from a friend of mine, I'd have a t-shirt that says "ME" in giant letters on the front, with "you" in tiny letters right next to hit.

Some lady just walked by me, and she seemed extremely agitated that I could be using the plug I am using. I gave her a look that said, "You can keep walking your lazy ass down to the next outlet." I hope she understood my eyes.

i am fashion

Hey, wait until you see my Spring line! I am ready for my genius now, and with it I will make fashion history. What I want is a suit, you know, tie, blazer, slacks, white shit. Except, all of it will be belly-shirted. Not West Virginia belly-shirted with raggedy cotton pieces dangling from my navel. No, my belly suit will be tailored to end right below the ribs. Shirt, vest, jacket will all be perfectly tailored to expose my hirsute belly. The pants will be full length - this is dinner attire we're talking about.

I call it "Desert Formal." And when I say I want this suit, i mean I already have it.

Jealous?

sadness

Sometimes when I'm sad, i like to shake my fist at the sky. I pretend I'm a cop, and my partner has just been shot on his last day before retirement, getting married,having a baby, and inheriting a million dollars. A Columbian drug lord is responsible for my partner's death, and as I shake my fist at the sky, I yell his name, which is the same name as the thing that is making me sad.

christmas list

This is the first I've ever wanted a doll for christmas. Usually, I'm too homophobic for that sort of thing (as much as I would have loved a My Buddy doll when I was a boy, people were already asking enough questions).

Ghostface is different

He says things, like "Remember when I longed dicked you and broke your ovary." And "Ghostface. Ghostface"

And he's 40% off. Now only $300. That's real gold, bitches.

camels

I read some history today, which was new for me.

It was about the First Ride of the British Camel Regiment

First, Camel Regiment! I might even join the army if I could be in a camel regiment. That's some Lawrence of Arabia shit.

Second,

The decision to send Gordon cost the British Government dearly. A hero from his days fighting in the Taiping rebellion, "Chinese" Gordon, was a popular figure and a there was a huge outcry came from the British public to send an expedition to his aid. Soon, the British government gave in and tasked General Lord Wolseley to mount the expedition it had tried so hard to avoid.

Ok, I wish it were still acceptable to have nicknames like "Chinese".
I'd go for "Pakistani" Parcells. Because of my ideas for America East. Or "Irish Parcells" because of my love for potato products.

trivial

This idea is a good one. Forget debates. They're boring. And they only encourage pandering.

Quiz show.

all the candidates lined up, answering questions. written by me.

Rudy Giuliani- "John leaves on a train from Bluetown at 8:21 A.M. His train heads toward Redville at 30 miles per hour. If Redville is 24 miles away, what time will he get to Redville?" [Answer: 9:11]

Mick Huckabee- "If a religious man loses half of his body weight, and no God is there to care about it, is it still worth shit?"

Duncan Hunter- "Why are you wasting our time?"

John McCain - "Which war is better, Iraq or Vietnam?"

Ron Paul- "If I asked you to go away, would you?"

Mitt Romney - "What is a Mormon, really?"

Tom Tancredo - "How many wetbacks does it take to screw over our country? How about a light bulb?"

Fred Thompson - "How can I be on Law & Order?"

teh worst country

I know people pull out the Australia-as-a-country-of-convicts-that-were-sent-to -the-other-end-of-the-earth-for-a-reason thing far to often.

But. . .

Place is like Oz. Both the sex-happy prison show and the marsupial flying monkeys Pink Floyd drug movie.

teh best cat

I had a cat once. He farted more than a cat should, and we thought he had diabetes. He was less than impressive.

My cat will only drink from a running faucet. Without me, Volcano would die of thirst.

As a boy, I was mystified by my cat. I wondered what he did off in the woods all day. One warm weekend, I followed him as he left the house, and we walked through the brush and the marsh all morning. It was difficult to stay close, and I got caught in the briars several times. My thrashing continually ruined MacBeth's hunting. So he scratched me in the face. Diabolical.

Once when I was housesitting for these people in the mountains, the owners' cat got eaten by a cougar. He got out-catted.

Anyway,

Guns! Iowa!

Hey! Have you heard about the Presidential Primaries? They're like the Olympics of politics, because they're every four years. But, unlike the Olympics, where every country can participate, the Presidential Primaries only happen in two states (maybe four- who the fuck knows anymore?).

According to this article, Obama and his lady say that guns are more important for Iowans, not because of hunting, but because of crime! Yes. The mean streets of rural Iowa are aflame with cow rapists and corn poachers and butter burglars and other violent offenders and maybe arabs!

So, first, let's just do away with all of those arguments on whether or not guns accomplish anything for home defense or deterrence. This guy makes the point that there are places like Philadelphia where you might have to worry a little bit more about crime, but Obama and Lady Obama are more concerned about Iowa. Because they are more worried about crime in the rural midwest. Because they hate black people.

Or, because this is pandering, which is what Presidential candidates do to those lucky-every-four-years people in Iowa. It's like they're the prom committee and Obama wants to be Queen. He'll give them any reason to like his support of Iowan gun-havers.

Really, the only non-hunting excuse Iowans should have for gun-having is that if you live in Iowa, suicide should be an option.

Firing my rocket

Yes! Hillary Clinton supports manned space travel. Because there is nothing more useless than manned space travel, and because I love useless, she's getting my vote.

I'm also supporting her because of her shrewdness in supporting an endeavor that few are firmly against, but that, since NASA's real mission is paying people to help them fire rockets into space, has strong industrial constituencies in almost every state. Go Hils!

I want a puppy!

I can predict the New York Times

America East is catching on. One day after I decided America East was the greatest idea since America I, the New York times did, too!

They said that "we need to think" about "military options" so that we can help "stabilize" Pakistan. I read that as taking the country over so we can build our Asian paradise. First we'll go get their nukes, and then we will let them have Bee Movie, and then we will wallow in pit full of Pakistani happiness and American Dreams.

America East

I've been reading up on Pakistan, and I like what I see. First, this New York Times article says, "U.S. Secretly Aids Pakistan in Guarding Nuclear Arms" Great. That makes them partly ours, I guess.

A lot of people, including this guy and this guy and several others, seem to think we need a strong Pakistan. Me, I'm rooting for that shit to go down the tubes. That's the only way Pakistan will become available for American intervention. Unlike Iraq, they actually have WMDs that we'll have to safeguard when the country goes to shit. I want lawyers fighting Army mans and Bhutto fighting Musharraf, and Musharraf bodybuilding against any comers and Pashtuns fighting someone.

Then, we can intervene, like we like to do. And that, when linked to Afghanistan, when linked to our coming war in Iran, when linked to Iraq, will set the stage for the eventual foundation of America East.

When America East is born, it will have almost 300 million people (just like us!) and will be almost as big as India. We're always worried about the up and coming Asian powers and the stability of the region and not having jet lag for the Beijing Olympics, and America East will solve all of these programs. How much better will the outsourcing situation be when we can outsource to ourselves?

Also, oil and heroin and really good wool, all ours for the taking.
once the wars are all good and done:
Step 1: Get them to stop hating us.
Step 2: Send them KFC. (which would actually probably help with step 1)
Step 3: Elect U.S. President Junior, caliph of America East.
Step 4: Bask

sports skillz

The "Comment"section of Nov. 19s New Yorker is about Musharraf blah blah Benazir Bhutto Army Pashtun yawn.

It also has this quote, from Musharraf's book, which is also a Clint Eastwood movie or some shit, In the Line of Fire

I was fourth in cross-country, was the top gymnast, and was third in the "Mr FC College" bodybuilding competition. . .Muhammad Iqbal Butt, who had competed creditably in the Mr. Universe competition, told me at the time that I had a most muscular physique.

1. Gay. These are all sports for gays.
2. This should be the modern triathlon. I want to see General Sports Pervez Prefontaine Lou Retton Schwarzenegger step out of his track shoes, pommel horse his way across the floor program trampoline ring toss, and finish it off with some squat thrusting. Beautiful. He will still have to wear the General's uniform.
3. President to President head to head? Bring it on!
4. Ego much?
5. Oh Noes!!! I am jealous of his skillz.